Dr. Date,
It’s hard for me to share this with you, but I don’t know who else to go to. All of my friends, at this point, aren’t talking to me, and my boyfriend is so upset he’s ready to break up with me.
I hooked up with one of my high school friends while I was home for the Easter holiday, and then I made up a series of lies to cover it up. The lies involve staying at my friend’s house, getting pulled over and losing my phone. It’s a pretty elaborate story, and I was bound to get caught.
Anyway, my friends are on the side of my boyfriend because they’ve known him longer, and really, I’m at fault. I know that. I don’t really have a close girlfriend whom I can rely on during a time like this, so I’m basically all on my own.
I feel really bad, and I wish I could put this mess behind me. It should’ve never happened in the first place, and I should have been honest instead of trying to cover my ass. But how do I go on from here? No one is talking to me, and I’ve tried apologizing multiple times. Did I ruin these relationships forever?
—All Alone
Congrats on Owning Up,
You’re taking responsibility for your actions, and that’s the first step in rebuilding your relationships. It’s too bad that you didn’t tell your friends about your mess-up before they found out on their own. But as the old cliche goes: You made your bed, and now you have to sleep in it.
But everyone makes mistakes. And most good friends will understand that, even though it might take some time before they’re ready to offer forgiveness. By showing remorse and frustration with your behavior, you’ll hopefully regain their friendship and trust.
Use this experience as a learning opportunity. It’s important to have a support system outside of your love relationship and that person’s friends. For now, lean on family, a counselor or your coworkers during this time of instability.
And in the future, be upfront with your mistakes right away — the consequences will be far less than if you try to cover them up.
—Dr. Date
Dr. Date,
What’s with girls manipulating men by lying about being pregnant? My ex-girlfriend tried getting back together with me by telling me she was late. Of course, I freaked out and went into a severe state of anxiety for about a week.
Once she noticed how shaken up I was, she came clean and admitted that she made it up. She said she was so upset about our breakup that she was willing to do anything to try and get us back together. But how far is too far?
I guess what I’m looking for here is an answer as to why breakups can make a person crazy. When I was with her, I would never imagine her pulling a stunt like this, so how did our separation lead her down this path?
—Scarred and Confused
Love Turns People Crazy,
Falling in and out of love causes people to do unexpected and borderline socially unacceptable things. But a serious lie like the one your ex-girlfriend told points to a serious underlying issue that will take more than a conversation to fix.
She’ll need to learn to love herself, stand on her own and live without you. Although it may take time, she’ll hopefully use more truthful tactics in her healing process moving forward.
In healthy relationships, people don’t feel trapped. And once they break up, people watch their former partners move on with their lives — whether they become single or start dating someone else. It’s easier said than done, and some people, like your ex, can’t handle the breakup process.
Hopefully, she understands the trauma that she’s caused and the extent to which her actions have impacted you. Though coping with any breakup is challenging, there’s no excuse for lying about being pregnant, and I’m sorry that she brought that on you.
—Dr. Date
