IF MAN IS FIVE, IF …

IF MAN IS FIVE, IF MAN IS FIVE, IF MAN IS FIVE …

From Ted C. Williams: Hey there y’all at the Network! I am probably not the only one writing to you today about the letter sent in by Father SimSaLaBim, and probably not the last, either. Net: Hate to say it, our benighted slugger-friend, but as you can plainly see, you were it.
The contents of my letter aren’t going to bash the views of you Satanists out there (that is the term, right?) Net: Yes, “out there” is correct but rather ask, “Why?” Before I ask that, however, I must say that no one is entitled to any funds from the University to make sacrifices, or parades, or anything of that matter. Using University funds is a privilege given to organizations, not a requirement. If the school doesn’t approve of how you want to spend the money … TOUGH! Net: Actually, a committee of spaced-out kinesiology students gets together every fall and pulls organizations’ names out of a fishtank. Come out of the tank, get the money. Dig?
Now, onto my asking why? …
It seems that recently there has been a lot more Satan lovers and whatnot then ever before. Net: Turn your paper upside down and look at the following number: 1999. Any further questions? I don’t believe it is because of well thought out decisions to convert and change on the basis of a better and clearer way of living. I may be mistaken, but it seems ever since the pop media world has accepted Satanism (Marilyn Manson, et al. … ) and burning devils have become marketable items, there have been brash new members to the religion.
If Manson and all those other Satanic media icons had not popped onto the media scene, would Father SimSaLaBim and all of his friends be complaining about unfair treatment by the University for not letting them use funds for sacrifices? Net: Ahhh … sure, why not? Without all of the hoopla and everything, would people actually look at Satanism for what it really is and realize how crazy it truly is?
I hope that there is feedback from this letter, from Christians, Satanists … anybody for that matter. This is something that, in my opinion, should be addressed out in the open. As a Christian, it pains me to see this rash of evil coming onto the popular scene. Net: Don’t you see that the real evil is right at your fingertips? Before your very eyes? WITH THE INTEL INSIDE? Everyone is entitled to there own opinion, however … good or evil.
Net: Ah-CHOO!
God bless.
Net: Hey, thanks.
PARK AND WRECK

From M-L-E: Dear Net, thank you to Parking and Transportation Services, who have brought the St. Paul campus into the 20th century on parking fees. Net: Now, if they could just get the rest of the campus into said century … We are so happy to subsidize new, exciting parking and transport service programs! Why just yesterday, there was a half-page MD advertisement sponsored by parking services, that reminded us all to “look for” the spiffy new signs in the tunnel “transport” system, purchased by you know who: Mr. and Ms. Traffic Ticket. Gee, thanks! Net: Heeeey … are you being a seafish? Er, feces-ish … we mean, facetious?
I forgot to look for those, ’cause I was too busy making money to pay for my exclusive St. Paul night-time parking pass.
Please explain to me how this works. Net: Sure; they take your money, you both go home. We need to encourage tunnel use in order to cut down above-ground pedestrian traffic?!? Or are we concerned about lost students having nervous breakdowns? The real tragedy would be a student who spent $12.50 a week to park on campus, and died while hopelessly lost in the tunnel system, you see. Net: But … but … it’s the Gopher Way
Aggies who shovel horseshit in the name of science and education aren’t so daft. We’ll park our trucks out in the four corners, hoof it to campus for half an hour, and stay above ground where it is good ‘n’ cold, Net: Keeps the riff-raff out (except, of course, ‘Sconnies) all at a lovely 5:30 in the morning. And a hearty thank you for removing all those quarter-pay spaces near our classrooms and jobs … we might have been getting a little soft.
THESE TOPICS THREE

From The Crazy Snake: Dear most benevolent Network: I must stop briefly from my toil to send you this quick rant. I apologize in advance for the eclectic nature of the topics heretofore contained. Net: Hey, this isn’t the “Gong Show.”
First, what the hell is wrong with the heating system in the Carlson building computer lab? Are they trying to sweat all of us wannabe yuppies to death while we get ready to kill each other over the far too few extremely slow computers? Net: 1. Lose the stiff shirts and wool jackets. 2. Feel the difference. 3. Get fresh hamsters into them thar computers.
Second, when are all those pathetic Free Mumia losers going to give up? Net: Yeah!? And what about this ‘Tibet’ we keep hearing so much about? Let me see … he has been convicted by a jury and his appeals were rejected by multiple courts, so he must obviously be innocent. It just HAS to all be a big political conspiracy ’cause he would be SOO much more dangerous if he wasn’t a martyr. The only logical step left for us is to spray paint over everything, riot and break the man out. Net: YEAH! RIOT! BREAK THINGS! SPRAY PAINT!!! and … Ahem. Sorry. Seriously people, protest the horrors of the death penalty, not the “innocence” of a murderer. Net: You are all over the place. We were warned.
Third, didn’t I tell ya about this idiot that we elected governor? His DNR commissioner has a history of multiple hunting and fishing violations and “The Mouth” thinks that he was unfairly persecuted. I thought the Republicans taught us that one can not uphold the law and break it at the same time. (On a side note, the only good Republicans are dead Republicans … unless they are Irish and then that is a whole different story).
OK, I think that is enough for this time. I have to get back to my law school applications. Anybody got a good idea for a personal statement? Net: How about, ‘I am attracted to small household appliances?’ Now that’s personal. I am willing to pay $50 if ya can get me into NYU.