Net: Today, we offer you a …
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From Dog Lover: Can anyone out there help me? Net: No. On to the next letter. I am desperately trying to find a home for a dog, Frank, we found last fall. Net: OK. Dogs we care about. Now, if you were trying to get rid of your boyfriend …
Including Frank, we have another dog, two cats and a snake. We are unable to take adequate care of all of them because Frank has strong aggressive tendencies toward male dogs.
We live in the middle of downtown and do not have a fenced in backyard. We are trying to find him a home, possibly in a more rural area so he can play outside, where he will get lots of love, attention and playtime.
Here is a bit about Frank:
* He looks like a yellow lab/pit bull mix with black around his eyes and a black nose, about 62 pounds.
* He can sit, stay, lie down, etc. He even sits with a treat on his nose.
* He is about a year to a year-and-a-half old.
* He is current on all of his shots and is neutered.
*He gets along well with female dogs, cats, people and kids.
*He LOVES attention and loves to cuddle. Net: Actually, this sounds like the PERFECT boyfriend. Anyone for a summer romance?
If you are a dog person who understands aggressive dogs and/or know someone who has a fenced-in yard or lives in a more rural area, please call Ben or Marnie at 337-0167.
He is a great dog, and we are doing everything we can to keep him away from the pound and getting put to sleep. Net: A noble goal, especially for such an interesting dog. Call Ben or Marnie if you’re interested, folks — and let us know how it works out.
A PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING
From Healthwatch: The other day when I was eating a bag of Old Dutch chips, I noticed that one of the ingredients listed was MSG!!! Net: Don’t worry. It’s only a new hip-hop group. Didn’t Chinese restaurants start posting signs saying “No MSG” because that shit causes people to get sick or die? This past year alone, how many people have gotten sick and died from just eating horrible Old Dutch treats, let alone the ones with MSG??? These rich parasites don’t place any value on any human life, let alone ours.
Anyway, I am calling for a letter bomb writing campaign insisting that Old Dutch use less poisonous ingredients. Net: And how much value do YOU put on human life, Healthwatch? You’re not exactly aligning yourself with Gandhi, here — Ted Kaczynski, maybe.
We won’t begrudge you our business, but you’ve got to treat us with respect. Net: Or else. Peace, love, happiness, and have a nice day.
MISCELLANEOUS GRIPES
From The Saper: I’m writing Network to gripe about a couple things, and to get a little sappy just because I can. Net: You just encapsulated what we’re all about. Continue.
1. Why is the crossword puzzle in the Daily so f**kin’ hard? Net: There are no hard crosswords. Only soft brains.
2. Why do all you mindless followers out there always pick on greeks? Net: Takes one to know one.
3. Why when I play Tetris do I dream about it, and why when I dream about it do I lose worse then when I’m playing for real?
4. How can I get that grease stain out of my favorite pair of jeans? Net: Any answers?
BLUE OVER THE FLU AT THE U
From Snot-Nosed: As I attempt to survive what has to be the most virulently aggressive strain of the Sidney flu Net: That would be the one that makes old Air Supply songs play over and over and over in your head, which has morphed recently into a whopper of a cold, I have some tips for fellow sufferers.
Can’t breathe, and most importantly, can’t smell? Try a glob of Wesabi on the tongue. No matter how stuffed up you are, you WILL be able to breathe, albeit only for an hour or so. Net: I will try not to breathe / the decision is mine … quick — name the artist and the album.
Sick of the Wesabi? Net: But still keeping up with the Benjamins? Try placing your head under a damp warm towel, all draped over a steaming pot of water spritzed with peppermint oil. Net: Actually, try doing that even if you’re healthy. Bring your friends. Do the peppermint twist! Kick-ass for the breathing, and maybe more pleasant than the Wesabi.
Or, take at least two times the prescribed dosage from the label of the generic pseudoephidrine HCl tablets to give you the ear-ringing, hallucinatory, near-seizure level buzz you once had at a concert long ago. Net: Concert? That’s how we feel when we read your letters. And it’s over-the-counter, so it has to be harmless. Net: Kind of like those Tylenol pills back in ’82. Ummm … cyanide.
Well, I’m off to die in a corner of Kleenex and nasal exudate. Net: Live fast, die young and leave a slimy corpse. Misery loves company, so please share if you have any nonchicken-soup remedies I might try. And, of course, I’m drinking lots of fluids, silly.
ARA-OFF-THE-MARK
From 3-Some Boy: This is for people who have problems with Aramark. Net: We love it when our writers appeal to the largest possible audience. The problem isn’t with Aramark, the problem with is this “fine” University we go to. Why should they feed us edible food if they have no incentive? Net: Because academe is laden with Marxists, and they think people don’t need incentives to succeed. The University signs a contract, and they are guaranteed their money. So they take shortcuts, and we’re the ones who pay.
Now if the U could come up with some creative ideas (actually not too creative, but anything out of the ordinary would be creative for this place) Net: Hence we go ga-ga over a president who happens to like pancakes just slightly more than usual it wouldn’t be a big problem to solve.
So this is to anyone who works for this world-class institution who can get things changed. DON’T FORCE STUDENTS WHO LIVE IN DORMS TO HAVE MEAL PLANS! If we didn’t have to have meal plans then Aramark would have to make good food for us to eat, or else they’d go belly-up.
It’s all about competition, but since they don’t have any right now, they don’t have anything to fear. Net: Except the KGB, of course. So instead of forcing me to pay $600 for a meal plan here and then an extra $800 to eat real food at restaurants so I don’t starve, force them to improve their product and then maybe I’ll be willing to pay for a meal plan. Aramark is the Anti-Christ. Net: So there. Have a good day.