Net: In the hands of some people, punctuation can be a very powerful tool. Consider the immortal words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the thirty-somethingth president of the United States, as he prepared to lead an uncertain nation into war: “The only thing we have to fear is … fear itself.” That’s but one example of how the ellipsis can be used to dramatic effect.
But some people, who shall go unnamed, have a tendency to disrespect the power of punctuation … people who thumb their noses at the long-held rules of sentence structure, who drone on and on, as if … well, as if they had nothing better to do, and, well … figured that if people talk this way, you know, with dramatic … pauses … well, then, why not write that way, because, well, you know … .
WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY
From Kingroller1: For the previous two years I have spent at this “wonderful” University, I can recollect (through the remnants of hops and bong resin) Net: Is that you, Spiccoli? that there has been one building construction being undertaken at any given moment …………….. Then classes adjourn Net: Huh? Wha? Oh, sorry. Must have dozed off there for a minute. Hell, we’ve had relationships last longer. for this year, and the brilliant administrators at this University decide to tear up the entire “beep beep beep beep” campus ………. Net: Are you referring to the Road Runner or just self-censoring? Or is it the “hops and bong resin” at work? Not that I don’t like having nice buildings to learn all the genuinely important items that I pay 12 thousand dollars a year to learn Net: Money well spent, evidently. ………. but honestly ……… Net: We take the preceding 19 periods to mean the holy Roller is on the verge of a very serious point. Prepare yourselves, gentle readers. do they have to do it all at one time?
For Pete’s sake, you can’t walk anywhere on this campus now without having to take some stupid detour through Blegen Hall, up the third staircase, through the skywalk and then out the second set of doors on the right ……. I mean come on ….. Net: The preceding series of periods, we believe, should be interpreted as a segue. Washington Avenue …. oh, that is pleasant ….. you have two choices …. wait five minutes to cross the street for a 50-foot stretch of sidewalk, or risk the street and all the buses and cars three inches from your face ……. I swear to God …… Net: Hold on! Here comes a big one! the administrators at this University must be required to be a complete idiot before they are given the power to do anything …… just another lovely aspect all us University students get to deal with. Net: We have a feeling you handle idiocy rather well. I would like to personally thank all the intelligent administrators that undertake such brilliant tasks. Net: Brilliance … is relevant.
ROYALE WIT’ CHEESE — MAKE IT A COMBO
From Belltower: I hate to break the news to Inspector Cheeseburger, but I know someone who works at University Information and when she works she uses a phone voice. Net: We have one of those at home. Whenever the bill collectors call, we just flip on the phone voice and say, “They’re dead.” Works every time. She sounds very different off the phones, if she can still talk when her shift ends. Not only that, but having to be nice all day at the office means at home she sometimes spews hatred and bile about callers who get snotty when she can’t find someone they describe only as “his name is John and he works with computers.” Net: Sounds like something Kingroller might say. This might not be the kind of thing he’s looking for in a romantic coffeehouse rendezvous. Net: Not necessarily. There’s nothing like a large Depth Charge with a hatred and bile flavor-shot to liven up a first date. Also, I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to her about this specific situation, but given the stories I’ve heard from her over the years, she’d probably be flattered but a bit creeped out if she was the one Inspector Cheeseburger talked to. Net: Indeed, history is rich with tales of lovelorn souls who longed to catch a glimpse (or hear the voice) of that special someone, admiring the object of their affection from afar — afraid to take the next step, but unable to walk away. These days they’re known as stalkers.
YOU REALLY LOVE US!
From Maleficent: I have it on good authority that there aren’t any real people working at University Information. They’re actually voice units running on an elaborate program developed by the Center for Interfacial Engineering (the name of which place sounds like it should be used in some sort of smarmy pick-up line). Net: Hey, baby. Your Center for Interfacial Engineering or mine? Just recently they perfected a male voice module to give Al (the only human there) a bit of a break. Net: Sounds like our heart-smitten cop o’ love might have some explaining to do. So the next time you talk to an operator who sounds too good to be true, Inspector Cheeseburger, she very well might be … . Net: Bad news for the Cheese, we thinks. Although it does leave open the possibility of some virtual somethin’-somethin’.
YOU REALLY LOVE US!
From The Mule: Greetings, Network! I’m back on campus! Net: At long last the vigil may end. It’s only for one day, but it feels great. Net: There are many a-pleasure that last but a few fleeting moments. Then you get sleepy. The sun is shining, the grass is green, the squirrels are out, the people are few and scattered — but still there — and the public Internet Kiosk is right where I left it. Net: Ahhh … the unbridled joy of the iMac. Itty-bitty Bondi Blue bundles of fun! They’re just so damn cute! Oh, and they suck. And best of all, I get to read my Network — on paper! Wow! What a feeling! Net: Next thing you know, he’ll be dancing on the ceiling. Reading you over the Internet just doesn’t measure up to this. ‘Tis but a pale shadow; a vauge mockery; that haunts the ether. Net: ‘Tis a feeble thing, patience; Lo, that it ebbs and flows; and ours is ebbing. Translation: Cut the crap.
Grow strong and mighty, Network, so that those such as myself fortunate enough to be in your presence may rejoice!