Bush deserves Nobel Prize

Karl Noyes

President George W. Bush should win the Nobel Peace Prize. Wait, hear me out. If all goes well in this war, it will mean the blissful liberty of the Iraqi people. The Kurds will be rid of their oppressor and democracy will flow throughout the Middle East. Bush is fulfilling his proclaimed status as a compassionate conservative by diffusing al-Qaida, rebuilding Afghanistan and leashing Kim Jong Il. Not to mention trying valiantly to pass bills of corporate welfare and defending the American right to drive big-ass sport utility vehicles that guzzle huge amounts of terrorist tea. Bush is the epitome of Nobel laureates.

Additionally, Bush’s presidency is fostering an idea that is truly revolutionary. Mainly this: The world would be quite peaceful if everybody were dead. Maybe Bush is on the right track. If we kill enough people there’ll be no one left to fight. Heck, as governor of Texas, Bush gleefully advocated the executions of 152 criminals. We don’t have to worry about those guys and gals anymore. Violence and aggression is the overdose of morphine the world so desperately needs. And for Bush, killing is the only way the world could reach true peace.

Even though his press conferences are completely scripted, Bush deserves credit for such an insanely ingenious idea. No people would mean salvation of the world. Global warming would be solved. Terrorism would cease to exist. No petty squabbles over religion or money. Most of the animals in the world would like it just fine. There would be no starving children because there would be no children. This war in Iraq is the secret Social Security plan Bush hinted at during his campaign. You’re such a good boy, George, for investing in our futures.

Bush probably hasn’t read many books in his life, but he has damn sure read his George Orwell. Alright, at least he’s watched “Alice in Wonderland.” Imagine the whole gang of “Alice in Wonderland” seated around the table. The clinking of porcelain and the creak of the chairs, a platterful of pretzels.

Cheshire Cat Condoleeza Rice chatters, “Oh deary, I haven’t seen Vice President Cheney anywhere. I don’t understand why, it will be so easy for him to get his next heart transplant with all these extra bodies lying around.”

White Rabbit Donald Rumsfeld says to Tweedledee Colin Powell and Tweedledum Tom Ridge, “We have no time to think, oh dear, look at the time, the war is not over yet. What’ll I tell the press? What’ll I tell the press?” And of course the Mad Hatter himself is at the table: “We are fighting evildoers and liberating the Iraqi people.”

But, George, there are suppressed people and evildoers all over the world – why should we bless Iraq with our bombs?

And as my colleague Steven Snyder so eloquently put it, “War on Iraq is humane,” and, “if Saddam Hussein were to use chemical or biological weapons, this would completely change the situtation.” Yeah, the if-game is a fun one. What if instead of paying and training Osama bin Laden and his crew for warfare, we had trained them to be doctors? What if instead of giving weapons to Iraq in the 1980s, we had given them universities? What if Iraq didn’t have oil? That’s the thing with the pre-emption game – it’s a bunch of what ifs.

Personally, I don’t believe these bloodstained sands are the opiate of the people. Conquering Iraq will not be the most difficult thing. After victory, it will be seen if the United States can pass the rebuilding and humanitarian buck to the United Nations. What happens next is the most dangerous part of this superpower lash out. Will another invasion be declared after a brief lull? Would the United States be able to afford it? The next move is the most important one.

But who am I to say? After all, Bush knows war. Here’s a man who’s been quoted as saying, “I’ve been to war and I’ve had twins. Trust me, I’d rather go to war.” And a veteran he is. During the Vietnam War, Bush flew highly dangerous missions over Georgia and Florida as a Coast Guard pilot. Largely because of Bush’s role in Vietnam, no Americans living in Georgia at the time were killed by the Viet Cong. For Bush, war is a faster way to achieve that ultimate peace.

So you see, it makes perfect sense. In this world of “Alice in Wonderland” complexities, Bush should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Karl Noyes is a Minnesota Daily editorial board member. Send letters to the editor to [email protected]