APOCALYPSE WHENEVER…

APOCALYPSE WHENEVER

From Yngwie: As I read the collection of messages stating what some losers did over spring break, I had my usual reaction: the almost uncontrollable urge to napalm frat row. Net: Smells like victory. Wow, college students going to exotic places to get drunk! I’m impressed, I really am. And all of you who had one-night stands, my hat is off to you! Net: Jealousy makes us all say things we don’t mean from time to time. I will give you my congratulations when I run you over in my car. But then I thought to myself, killing the stupid is not fair. It’s not the American Way. Net: The hell it ain’t! Why do you think they invented TV!? After all, I don’t really profit from it, do I? Thus, I propose building a Spring Break Theme Park. Underage drinking will be encouraged. Illegal drugs will be available to all. Doctors will be on hand to instruct people as to the best ways to catch diseases. Net: Umm … sorry, but we think someone stole your idea. It’s called “Madison, Wisc.” There will be many attractions at my park. In the Booze-Or-Lose room, the person who passes out with the highest alcohol concentration in their blood wins $1,000! (Special bonuses for low breathing rates or coma.) On the Grain Belt Prix track, people will drive old Yugos, Trabants and Corsicas around a parking lot after having consumed enough PCP to kill a horse. And in Aggieland, drunk participants will attempt to build a large wooden structure using nothing but an old notebook and some pieces of twine. If that is successful, they will then try to light it on fire using incendiary arms. Better put the safety on! Net: What, no puking for distance? Thus, I get the best of both worlds. Not only am I ridding the world of stupid, drunk college students; I am making a buck. Net: Umm … someone stole that idea, too. It’s called “fraternity hazing.” The only problem is where to put the place. I would like a location that would incite the locals to frothing at the mouth and riots, thus adding even more destruction at no cost to me. I’m thinking Chanhassen for now. Net: Nah … Chanhassen is damn near progressive these days. Its evil neighbor to the west, Chaska, would be a much better choice, wethinks. Any interested investors should contact me at [email protected] Get on this train before it leaves the station, because technology fads might come and go, but college students will always be drunk, dumb and horny. Net: And Net will always be here to bask in their glory. Cheers!

THE GREEN MENACE

From ToadFanNitz: All right, Net, you want a spring break story, check this s##!t out. Net: Lettus guess … you made out with Jerry Springer in the lagoon. (We’ve heard that one before!!) My two buddies and I went to Orlando for break. On the third night, we rose from our drunken state at about 1 a.m. and exited our hotel room down to the parking lot to light off some fireworks we’d picked up. Net: Inebriation and incendiaries: a match made in redneck heaven. Suddenly, we heard this music coming far off, so we started walking in search of it, which was impossible because Sloe Gin makes things sound in all directions. Net: Try mixing it with Tabasco once. Betcha won’t do it twice. WHOO-BOY!! While walking down by this pond, my buddy started yelling about something behind us. When I looked back, I saw this BIG F&@KIN’ ALLIGATOR lumbering in our direction. (All right, so it was about 3 feet long) We started running our asses off, stumbling along the way, until my friend lit a fire cracker and threw it at the green menace. Net: Was Betty White there, too, swearing a blue streak? It got scared and ran off back to the water, but not before leaving its mark on our vacation. Later we got to Pleasure Island, where the music was coming from, and the place was just closing. How shaft, that freakin’ reptile ruined our night! Net: Whoa, whoa, whoa … who’s talkin’ ’bout Shaft? (Shut yo mouth.) Next time I’ll launch a bottle rocket up its arse.

UGLY AMERICAN

From B.Warner015: Let me start off by saying f&@k everyone who went on a trip for spring break while I sat on my ass at my stupid home doing nothing for a week. Net: Time well spent. You saved us the wretched agony of being in your presence. I hope you all die a painful death for leaving me home while you all had fun. I would like to thank everyone for not submitting to Network telling us about all your drinking and anonymous sexual experience stories. Net: Have you been reading Bizarro Network or something? I’d much rather read about some stupid-ass letter that got sent to the wrong address. Like I could give a f&@k if it’s important or not. Let me just say that I would have preferred you left the page blank than print that s##!t. Net: It’s always good to see someone lookin’ out for his fellow man. With that said, let me say that all those stupid Oscar polls conducted where everyone picked “The Sixth Sense” for best picture, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. “American Beauty” is the s##!t. You can’t f&@k with a movie that has lines like, “My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the a$$holes in charge,” and,”at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Hell.” Net: Oh, yeah. That’s why it won. Aside from a few clever lines, it was garbage. (Could someone sign this sped up for a film class?) So f&@k all the s##!tty movies that are in the theatres now, and go see “American Beauty” while its still there. Net: Just make sure to chuck in a roach bomb first, so’s you can be sure BW015 isn’t in there wit’cha.

HAVE A SEAT

From RiverRat: While sitting on the porcelain throne, I thought of a great accommodation that the Daily could implement to make this a more pleasant campus. Net: A late-night Santana’s circulator? Instead of delivering massive amounts of Daily newspapers to the Dinkydome, where they lay untouched for two weeks before some tree-hugger recycles them, why not deliver the Daily to various bathroom stalls around campus? That way, students like myself can at least wipe our asses with it, rather than leave it to waste. Thanks. Net: We tried this once before, but then people started complaining about how it wasn’t as soft and absorbent as what they were used to. You just can’t please some people.
Oh yeah … thanks for reading the Daily.