Net: According to o…

Net: According to our brutally efficient self-conducted marketing survey, we here at Network are not providing the content that a young, hip and fresh college audience craves. If fact, we discovered that our largest readership consists of 70- to 85-year-old homosexual females who served in foreign wars.
So, to appeal to you young folks, we have decided to take a cue from your FAVORITE show: The David Letterman Late Night Television Program.

Network’s top ten least popular first names of male children *rolling of the drums*:
10. Box
9. Cortizone
8. Narf
7. Inside
6. Plang
5. Tarp
4. Clog
3. Darth
2. Template
1. Ironslab-Z

GROUNDSKEEPING

From Rencito: As I sit here depressed over the Rodents’ performance last Saturday, I think of what I can do to make this world a better place Net: Destroy Yahoo Serious? and have chosen to use The Net as my medium (Hooray!). The area in which I offer to lend a helping hand is that area below the belt. Net: That troublesome thigh area? I know that this isn’t usually a topic of discussion taught from parent to child, or something that many would talk about over dinner. But specifically it has to do with bush — and not of the George variety. I want to let it be known that women must learn to tame the bush. In fact, it should not be a bush at all, rather short as a putting green at most, Net: Bent or Bermuda? preferably shaved. Women shave their legs Net: They do? and their armpits, Net: *Gasp* We need to meet more women but how can they ignore the bush? This is a disgusting oversight on the part of the female population around the University. When I get involved with a woman, I enjoy doing a little yodeling in the canyon. But, if there is anything longer than a quarter of an inch down there Net: Are we talking about men or women here? forget it. You see, long pubic hair traps in odor and sweat, plus it gets in the way of someone trying to lick the pearl. Is this something you want to force your partner to deal with? Of course not. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not think that there has to be a double standard here. Net: Sure there does! Men should practice the same hygiene. I myself prefer to keep it clean-shaven since I Net: have never been able to grow any in the first place know women do not enjoy having their nose tickled. So please, women around campus, and you know who you are, putting to use good hygiene practices in your most nether of regions will be far more enjoyable for you and your partner(s). If you fail to do so, it is a real turn off and will definitely discourage any man (or woman, if you swing that way) from putting his face down there … As far as the best place on campus to pinch a loaf — I have yet to find a decent place. Oh yeah, and the best band on earth is Lords of Acid. Net: Incorrect Until next time … Net: Feminine response? Flame on, ladies Á

From SaneClownPosse: Hail! Bow before almighty Network. I offer my comment before the altar made of the skulls of his enemies. The cartoons. One thing, I’ve never seen an editorial cartoon about how Bush and Gore are the same and how Nader is God. What’s with that? Net: That is strange, considering the rest of our content generally implies that They should really try to fit at least ONE of those cartoons in some day. The cartoons you share the BackTalk page with: pure genius! How can you not laugh at that guy in “The Duplex”? Net: We don’t know. We just don’t He’s just too funny for me to handle! Net: Prince Valiant must leave you in stitches as well I usually have to urinate halfway through “Bizarro,” just cause how funny the picture is! Well, my stomach is killing me, remembering all those funny cartoons. Make sure you tell those lousy editorial cartoonists to make some that disrespect Gore and Bush, I’ve yet to see ONE.

From Chiquita Clan: Hola Net, Chiquita Clan here. So, there’s a lot of construction on campus, huh? Have you seen all the squirrels? Frats suck, hockey rules, Creed blows, as does my fan. Net: Well, have a nice day everyone Á oh, crap Á there’s more here Little contest for you kiddies out there. For those of you in a pinch for some fast campus cash we’ve got the challenge for you! Upon cleaning my food bin I happened to stumble upon a wonderful treasure. After nearly suffocating in a cloud of fruit flies I realized this was the first time I’d opened this particular drawer since the second week of school. After regaining consciousness, I came to accept the fact that fruit doesn’t last forever. Net: Lies! Chiquita Clan wishes to propose its first challenge. We are prepared to pay one daring soul $100 to eat our beloved fruit. The fruit is what we believe to be the blackened remains of a banana, but lab tests have returned inconclusive. This is not a joke, we will pay fat cash. Contact Chiquita Clan via e-mail at [email protected].com with your name and telephone number. For those of you who don’t rely on Al Gore’s intranet invention, feel free to call the Chiquita Clan hotline at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Net: Hey slapnuts, don’t try to dial all those X’s on your phone; we edited it out Ask for Nigel. Contest ends Friday Nov. 3 so act fast, first one willing wins the opportunity to assail their digestive tract. Good luck kids, remember, $100.

From karma police:
we got screwed over
adios dear a&e
now we read sports crap

piggies on campus:
throw away your garbage, jerk!
i work for grounds crew

network NUT yourself
mental masturbation sucks
we are feminists

Net:
Masturbation is
Not same as NUTTING ourselves?
Confusion sets in