Microsoft to break up!

Dr. Biznatch

In a startling series of events this afternoon, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, along with several space aliens from Zagnut-3, announced that Microsoft would, indeed, be split up into several companies.
“We felt that the government’s plan to split Microsoft into three companies would not be sufficient,” Gates exhorted, “so we have decided to split it up into 35,000 different companies.”
Rather than merely separating the operating system from the office applications, Gates has decided to split up everything. A few of the new companies formed include Microsoft Calculator, Microsoft Minesweeper, Microsoft Recycle Bin, Microsoft MouseCursor, Microsoft Bob, Microsoft StartupSound, Microsoft Wallpaper, Microsoft Paint, Microsoft ShutDownSound, Microsoft ToolBar, Microsoft NotePad and Microsoft Crash.
“We intend to corner the market on piecemeal operating systems,” shouted Gates, who could not be reached for comment, “We will destroy the souls of the nonbelievers.”
Industry analysts’ reactions to the news were decidedly mixed, as some were being fellated by hookers, and some were not.
“I think that this … ohhhhhhh,daaammmmnnn … is a positive step for the industry … ohhh mama … and it is … sllooowwwer … a good move for the entire … dddddDERRRRRRRRP! … computer business,” cooed analyst Michael Flatly, who wished to remain nameless.
Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple computers, was elated by the news, and was reportedly dancing a happy little jig through a magical forest, filled to the brim with translucent-colored-plastic love and happiness, as well as deer. At a press conference later that trip, Jobs said that he was determined to keep his company together, as well as to produce products to compete with Microsoft’s new lineup.
“Apple computers has been making great strides these past few years. Not only have we redesigned the G4, we are also planning to release many new colors of iMac, as well as a complete line of other products, ensuring that Apple users can spend every minute of their lives in contact with colored translucent plastic. Because, after all, they are individuals” Jobs said, “Oh, I think we doing some software stuff or something too.”

A New Era
A quick rundown of some of the most popular of Microsoft’s new companies:
ù Microsoft Solitaire: Quite possibly the world’s most popular game, Microsoft Solitaire will release a new version of its popular product which, to entice new buyers, will include more card designs.
ù Microsoft ShutDown: This useful program will shut down the computer when you tell it to.
ù Microsoft StartUp: A useful program, this will allow users to actually start their computer. (Microsoft RunProgram not included.)
ù Microsoft MineSweeper: This company will release an improved version of their game, which will include boards over 1 billion squares wide and deep.
ù Microsoft Bob: This company will re-release the most popular software ever, Microsoft Bob.
ù Microsoft BlueScreen: This helpful utility will, at the most inopportune time, display a blue screen with random characters, crash the computer, and emit smoke.
ù Microsoft Harris: This is a new newsroom system that will suck.

Dr. Biznatch Z. McGroobs III covers things better left unsaid and welcomes comments better left unheard.