“It’s a joke to use dope, but we really need the money,” said a glassy-eyed Ranthony Peel, a member of Students for Family Values.

In an effort to raise money for the group, Peel said, group members have started a pot farm manned by University pandas.

He said the group only invested $2,000 of its own money in the farm, but it has already made $15,000 in profits from members of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws.

“It is more profitable than we could have hoped for – they just keep calling us for more,” said Peel as he munched uncontrollably on potato chips.

After the Board of Regents denied SFV its requested amount of Student Services Fees, the members turned to an “herbal alternative” for financial assistance.

“It makes me feel dirty to sell drugs, but in this case it’s just good business,” Peel said.

Members of NORML said they are just happy to have a constant supplier, especially during the dry season in May.

“They’re not our ideal dealers, but all the hippies on campus are too busy protesting stuff; they’ve abandoned their budding businesses,” said Guy Sampson, president of NORML.

He said he likes that SFV members deliver to his door, saving him a trip off the couch.

“That way the bud comes to you, man,” Sampson said. “It’s a beautiful thing – you don’t even have to move.”

He said members of SFV hope their message would reach beyond NORML members to the dope-smoking masses.

“They have informational packets on conservative politics and juice boxes that they give out to every student who buys a bag,” Sampson said.

University pandas are the
primary farmers of the ganja, in charge of growth, harvest and packaging of the green.

Tim Sturrock, former Daily staff ninja, organizes the University pandas on the farm.

“The first thing you have to know about pandas is that they’re sensitive,” he said. “You have to treat them like pretty, pretty princesses.”

Sturrock provides all 24 pandas with full-body massages weekly to keep them content and limber. He said these “little perks” are to make up for the miniscule pay and University Dining Services food they are forced to eat.

“I want to keep them happy and doped up,” he said.

Sturrock said farming is “totally sweet” and on the side, he is training the pandas to come together and form a gang of ninjas.

This was news to members of SFV. Peel said the pandas were told not to unionize.

“We will be conducting an internal investigation throughout the next few weeks,” he said.

Area hippies were concerned about the “slave labor” conditions for the pandas.

“We have to, like, speak for the pandas, man, because they can’t speak and they need us to speak for them,” said Earth, a Dinkytown resident found protesting outside the farm, located on the St. Paul campus.

Earth, who has given up his real name so as to not conform to society, said the pandas are being exploited and used as a tool by “the man.”

“They’re endangered and Sturrock has them shackled and starving,” he said.

Sturrock denied the allegations and said the pandas were only shackled upon their request.

“I treat them better than my momma,” he said. “All my pandas are special. I love them.”

Have a good summer you crazy punk kids!