Net: To all those who continue to write screaming for brother Rage!!!’s blood, we must say desist. We will not degrade the hallowed halls of Network with further discussion of this sick, sick boy. Instead, we’ll focus on new, even sicker entries.MELCHER’S BUTT PROBLEM
From: ToadFanNitz to Nate Melcher: I have put up with lousy-ass Caseous comics all year long. Net: Hey, buddy, try being stuck on the same page with that tripe. As if that weren’t bad enough, now you, Mr. Caseous, have gone and proven that the man behind the comic really is a moron!
Your little article on smoking in the Daily last Friday was extremely offensive. Net: Wasn’t that on the opinions page? Who reads that bird toilet, anyway? I am a smoker, but it wasn’t offensive because you were ripping on smokers. It was offensive because you insulted every college student throughout the United States by writing a stupid article that could only be the work of a bona fide moron! Net: Welcome to the Daily. Always happy to hear from first-time readers. To write an article like that in a college newspaper, you’d have to be one, considering how many people smoke in any given college. Net: Warning! Abrupt jump in logic! Abandon ship!
For one thing, you’re trying to tell people to play some stupid game that involves yelling at strangers. Net: As opposed to some intelligent game involving yelling at strangers? For two, you’re bitching and complaining about something you’re never going to be able to do a goddamn thing about! Net: Free Puffy! And three, why bitch about something that contributes to the harmony of society? I pay taxes, I pay student fees. Net: You pay our salary, but fear not. We’re paid only shekels and goat’s milk. I basically pay people to go out and clean this sh*t, whether I contribute to it or not. Just like I pay for all kinds of other things that I have nothing to do with! Yet I still have to pay for them!
The only thing you accomplished was making yourself look like a complete dipsh*t! Net: Which, wethinks, is not exactly an accomplishment for Mr. Melcher. Especially with your pansy-ass face posted right with your article. Do you want people to not like you? Do you want to be thought of as a stupid piece of trash? If you want to do something about cigarette butts, go grab other idiots like brother Rage!!! and form a student group. It’ll be cool. The only student group of morons less effective than the marijuana reform group! Suck your sh*t in, chump, and stop whining. Net: So there!
And for Christ’s sake, stop writing lame comics!
From Baron: Hail to the all mighty Network.
A CALL TO ARMS, POSSIBLY LEGS
Net: Greetings and salutations. Once again, it is I, The Man Known Only as Baron. I have returned once more from smiting evil in the dark land of Marudai. Net: Nice work if you can get it. While it is true that back in autumn I had sworn to my comrades to never write to Network again, as we all felt it was insane enough without my own brand of craziness, I could not stand idly by any longer.
I turn to the most holy Back Talk page on Friday, and what do I find? Net: Hijinks? Hilarity? The Ebola virus? What do I find? Another bad Dr. Date, an insanely difficult crossword and Network, the once-holy ground of campus public opinion, thought and whoring, turned into an extended discussion over some pseudo-fratboy with the computer skills of a chimpanzee without any arms (and I mean no insult to the chimpanzee). Net: You better not be dissing our chimps, chump. My GOD, Net: Yes? my fellow Networkians, what have we become? It’s almost enough to make me want to hang up the holy sword Darlack permanently and give up the evil-smiting business for good. Far too many “randoms” have entered Network for my tastes. Where is Phlegm? Where is Tiggs? Where is my Jedi brother Obi? Where are you, fair RollerDiva? Net: Wouldn’t you like to know? The end draws nigh, and soon Network will once again close its hallowed gates for yet another summer. I say a holy crusade against the randoms and their scattered comments. Net: Uhh, wethinks that would leave us unemployed. Let us drive them out and return Network to its former glory.I fear that time is running out.
Net: We’d love to hear from all of our regulars one last time before we retire our all-powerful Commodore 64. But all are welcome, barring fratboy debates, Wisconsin vs. Minnesota posturing and anything whatsoever about those fuzzy frigging s.HACKEY-SACK?
From Abbot: Hey, hey, hey! Hi, Net. Net: Wazzuppp. I take the connector back and forth to the St. Paul campus several times a week. Net: Why? Lately, I have noticed a disturbing trend. Net: A disturbing trend in St. Paul? Is this about the sheep with mohawks? People do not take care of their sacks while on the bus!!! It is a big problem when people have to stand on the bus. The people in the seats have to deal with the sacks of those standing on the bus. If you sit down, you never know when someone might dangle their sack in your face or practically rest it on your shoulder. Net: Have you seen the size of some of these sacks? We’d love to see the size of what’s inside some of these things. The other day a guy was standing on the bus. He turned around quickly, which made a loud slapping sound as his sack struck a seated woman in the face. Don’t even get me started about people who keep their sack on the floor. One guy left his sack in the aisle and a woman walking by kicked it. It must have been so painful for him to watch his sack get kicked. Please control your sacks!!! Net: Sound advice, Networkia.
WHO SUCKS HARDEST
Net: And now, loyal readers, we come to you with an honest query. We have vowed to use our terrible power to smite one of the enemies from all that does not suck. But we are surrounded by suckiness.Therefore, you must help us decide who will be blackballed. Shall it be Nate Melcher and his continually unfunny attempts at a comic strip? Perhaps Elmo, with his incestuous instincts, should get the ax. Or will it be Daily sissy-boy Dr. Date who feels our wrath?You have one week to vote, folks. Results will run Friday, and the biggest loser will forever be known as the first-ever Network Slapnuts of the Year and will be banished for the rest of the semester. Or something.