Net: Ah, yes. Always best to start the day with a good rant.
EVERYONE’S A CYNIC
From Angel of Cynicism: Well, it seems I chose a bad day to leave my comfortable home with Network and venture out into the rest of the Daily. Instead of removing all of the unnecessary innards of the paper and leaving them in a recycling bin, I braced myself for boredom, reminding myself of the resolution I made this year — read at least one article of relevant news. Net: We suggest “High Times” for most news needs. After I’d read Network (twice to put off the dreaded moment) I turned to the front of the paper and glanced across the top, assuming that the most interesting and relevant headlines would be printed there. Net: Not a chance. Stick to our page. We’ve got Dr. Date now! I immediately noticed the picture of a guy I thought I knew, so I decided that would be the article of choice. (For the record, I do not know him. In fact, I am ashamed to admit being a member of the same species.)
I was shocked to read the synopsis- “U researchers: Biodiversity important for ecosystems.” I chuckled, thinking it a joke- surely everyone knows this, especially those who make it their life’s work. Net: Notice, however, that the reference is only to “U researchers.” If you’re researching the best way to destroy the world, for example (you know that’s got to be happening with the Honeywell money funneled into the U) I turned to the article, hoping for a good laugh. I was mortified to find that they were serious. In fact, in one of those boxes meant to point out the highlight of the article — you know the kind I mean — the words “Losing species is a bad thing.” were printed in large, offensive letters. Huh, no kidding. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!? Net: We think the answer is painfully obvious.
I shouted in my mind. They’re getting paid, making a living even, to `research’ things that every five-year- old already knows! I read on, horrified, and learned that it cost them $60,000 to conduct this experiment. So that’s where our textbook resale money went! Net: No way. That’s all sent to the Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life — and have a nice day. It is common knowledge that Universities are more interested in politics than in research or even teaching their students anything, but this is the epitome of stupidity.
I will never again look upon any institution of higher learning with awe at the great minds that work to make it run. May they rot under some unknown log for paying more attention to their petri dishes than to their students.
NOT PRO BONO
From Basked: I’ve been looking to end the term of my local congressman for quite sometime. I don’t like what he stands or votes for. He cut my mother’s welfare benefits, voted to restrict my daddy’s guns and didn’t support higher Pell grants for me. Net: We don’t know of any legislator who took these positions, so we assume you’re either deranged or writing fiction. Either way, we’re used to it — we’ll play along.
But I’ll put it to you straight. I don’t want to go to jail. I’ve got (hopefully) a rewarding life ahead of me and I don’t need to spend it being Bubba’s cellmate/sex slave. Here’s my plan. I’m going to send him a free lift ticket to the local ski resort and let him do the job himself. Net: Sure — jump on the bandwagon. Maybe I’ll take up a collection and convince the Kennedy clan to go with so they can pretend they’re in the Super Bowl again. If they’re busy, maybe I can ask some entertainer-turned-politician (God knows there’s a lot of those out there) Net: Usually you don’t have to turn — although when it comes to skiing, that seems to be the problem to take the junket.
SQUIRREL MOM BITES BACK
In response to Danamania‘s letter turning her mother in for bringing squirrels to campus, we have this response:
From Ms. Bear: Just want to let everyone know that there is a possibility that a picture of my daughter Danamania, wearing her Zena costume, could be available to all interested readers for downloading in a jpeg format — but only in the event that she continues her nasty attempts to sabotage my squirrel migration study. By the way, I am NOT using my own e-mail account, in order to protect my innocence. Net: We noticed, since the name of the person we received the letter from was Robert. Remember, Ms. Bear and Danamania, that we know Danamania‘s name, and it would be very easy to track both of you down and expose you both! Thus, be very nice to us, or we can extort tribute. You have chosen to struggle in a public forum — be prepared to suffer very publicly. And have a nice day.
From Bixter: ‘Tis the season for thrown-out backs, broken bones, and cracked skulls. Net: Hey — quit revealing NITWIT’s dating secrets. That’s right, the ground is coated with ice straight from Canto 34. Even though the ice gives off a brilliant glow when hit by sunlight, almost a warning light, people are still stupider than meat at a vegan festival. To put it simply, your bikes will be the death of you. It’s hard enough to stay upright while walking, let alone when those party animals have had a few beers. I’m not saying there aren’t any out there, but I haven’t seen any bikes with chains on their wheels for traction.
Anyway, you think you’re too good to walk? Net: No, we’re just taking a break from flight. Fall on your behind like all of us normal people. It’s not best to be an extra two feet off the ground and holding on to a large piece of metal when you fall. Granted, it’s comical and entertaining for us smart and bitter wakers. But you’re going to get really hurt. Most people aren’t even wearing helmets! You’re going to get your heads split open! Sure, you might be thinking, “I’m so sick of white and yellow snow, let’s get a little red in there,” Net: Especially for the Scorsese film buffs but think of your friends and family.
They don’t want to see you sipping creamed corn through a straw when you bash your jaw. Net: You’ve never met our families. Wise up.
