Castle v. Netflix Inc.

The following is a judicial opinion on a distracted law student’s “suit” against Netflix.

by James Castle

In the U.S. District Court for the District of Everlasting Winter, plaintiff brings this action for temporary injunctive relief to prevent the defendant from streaming certain shows. For the reasons stated herein, the plaintiff’s motion is hereby denied.

Defendant Netflix Inc. is a California corporation that provides on-demand media to the Americas and parts of Europe through Internet streaming methods. At the time this action was filed, the defendant had more than 30 million subscribers internationally, more than 27 million of them living in all 50 United States.

For a monthly flat-rate fee, Netflix subscribers have access to hundreds of thousands of DVDs, which can be borrowed and are sent to them using United States Postal Service Permit Reply Mail. In addition, subscribers also have access to certain “instant” films and television shows, organized by category.

On March 30, the defendant added a list of classic cartoon shows previously aired on Cartoon Network. The list includes such awesome shows as “The Powerpuff Girls,” “Dexter’s Laboratory,” “Johnny Bravo,” “Courage the Cowardly Dog,” “Robot Chicken” and “Ed, Edd n Eddy.”

The plaintiff is a law student at the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities and has finals beginning in early May. The plaintiff contends that the defendant’s new shows, if accessible at this time, will prevent him from studying for his exams and thus passing his classes this spring. The defendant asserts that the plaintiff is a whiny, privileged white male who would get more work done if he would stop wasting his time filing frivolous lawsuits.

In determining whether the plaintiff is entitled to temporary injunctive relief, this court applies the well-established awesomeness test. This test seeks to balance how awesome the shows are with an ordinary person’s reasonable strength to resist watching them.

“The Powerpuff Girls” features three young girls with superpowers who were bred in a lab by the wacky but loving Professor Utonium using sugar, spice, everything nice and, accidently, “Chemical X.” Bubbles is the blue one; she’s blonde, cute and sweet. Buttercup is the green, butchy, grumpy one. Blossom is the leader of the pack. You can sort of tell because she wears a giant bow on her head, and that must mean something, I guess. The Powerpuff Girls fight villains such as Mojo Jojo, an evil monkey-man with a Japanese or other Asian-ish accent, as well as Him, a transgender devil with pincer hands. Oh, and the voice of the mayor is the same guy who does SpongeBob.

Boy genius, Dexter, can hardly accomplish anything in his secret laboratory with his silly sister, Dee Dee running around causing trouble. Although his sister lacks one, Dexter has this weird accent, as if he’s from Germany or Europe or something.

“Johnny Bravo,” perhaps equal in awesomeness, features a misogynistic and idiotic Elvis-like character with greased-back hair and shades. Bravo lives with his mom and gets into all sorts of shenanigans as a consequence of his dull-wittedness. Bravo also likes to “do the monkey.”

It is a good thing “Courage the Cowardly Dog” is around to protect his elderly owners, Eustace and Muriel. The show is ironic because Courage, although he acts cowardly, is a very brave canine. Eustace doesn’t care much for Courage, but Courage protects him anyway, probably because Muriel is such a sweetheart, though, kind of stupid.

Lastly, neighborhood kids Ed, Edd and Eddy all have the same name, with variations in spelling and address. Ed, Edd and Eddy aren’t the most popular kids in the neighborhood, but they do get a lot of attention from the undesirable Kanker sisters, three young girls who live in a nearby trailer park.

This court need not go any further in its analysis of shows at issue in this case or address “Robot Chicken,” which everyone already knows is super awesome. The shows discussed in this opinion are clearly magnificent shows that everyone should take the time to enjoy. We do not contend that any person of ordinary will could, or should, resist such classic and well-crafted animations. In the interest of the public good, however, this court thinks the shows should continue to be streamed throughout the world.

Any young adult, particularly those born in the early 1990s, can appreciate the greatness of Cartoon Network’s programming. That Netflix has decided to allow its subscribers access to them, this court thinks, is really cool.

The plaintiff and other subscribers will simply have to engage in time management and balance work with life. The shows can be watched during study breaks or during other down time. Everything will be fine.

For the foregoing reasons, the plaintiff’s motion for temporary injunctive relief is denied.

It is so ordered.