Dr. Date,
For a long time now, I’ve been confused about my sexuality. Not so much as to what gender I’m attracted to, but whether or not it exists at all.
I’ve been dating this girl for a few months now, and I think the fact that we’ve never gotten past frenching is, ironically, becoming a sticking point.
I’ve only had sex once before, and it was horrible, just a lot of sweat and farting. The girl and I haven’t talked since. She used to be my best friend.
I’m worried that this might be the case with my current girlfriend if we do the deed. That being said, things will probably fizzle out if we don’t.
It’s not that I don’t feel romantic love, it’s just that I don’t know if I feel the same feelings other people do when it comes to sex. Are most people this reticent? It’s not like I was molested or anything; I’m just scared that I might be asexual. And who wants to be with someone who can’t butter their biscuit?
—Back Home and Confused
Dear Back Home and Confused,
First and foremost, I’m going to ask you to take a breath, put down the magic introspective mirror and realize that if you are in fact asexual, there’s nothing wrong with that and that you are a beautiful person no matter if you like to butter or have your biscuit buttered.
A lot of “ace” (slang used for an asexual person within the community) people are able to find fulfilling romantic relationships without contorting their own feelings and urges into something they’re not.
With all that being said, I don’t want to presume your sexual identity because you don’t seem to feel that you’ve discovered it yet.
I will say this — a lot of peoples’ first times are incredibly embarrassing and sometimes relationship ending. And specifically when it comes to your flatulent first time, well, let me tell you, there were a few toots from both sides the first time I took a tumble, and hey, I turned out alright. I mean, I’m paid to give advice on the subject.
So if and when you do feel comfortable to explore sex again, try to detach yourself from the anxiety you’re experiencing. Things are bound to go better, and if they do, maybe you’ll have a better understanding of whether or not this whole sex thing is for you.
—Dr. Date
Dr. Date,
I know that my boyfriend and I aren’t going to be together forever. He wants to work for the CIA somewhere in the Middle East; I want to work for the FBI somewhere in Nebraska.
But even though that’s years down the line, I can’t hang out with him and not think about our relationship’s eventual demise.
Help?
—Melissa
Dear Melissa,
I’m a worrywart, so I’ve been in this kind of situation a couple of times before. This can be a tough realization, and it’s more of a lifestyle change than just a perspective change on the relationship, but really you need to think about how this relationship isn’t just judged on its length or end goal, but rather on the happiness
that you’re experiencing together right now.
If you can’t get yourself in that mode, then maybe there’s a bigger problem with the relationship than its eventual end.
—Dr. Date
