Net: In Article 5 o…

Net: In Article 5 of our mission statement, it is clearly stated that “Network is to continually strive to elevate the intellectual plane of this fair University.” In keeping with this esteemed article, we begin our day with a philosophical musing.
Please, hear the Muse. See us throw large words and grand thoughts (Gosh — we really love throwing muses around).

From Evergreen: Oh, Net of Nets, you appear to have all the answers lately. Net: That’s because we only print the right questions. Here that clapping? That’s us — and we only have one of them. Therefore, I must lay a question on you. Everywhere I go I hear and see the phrase, “Keep an open mind.” However, everyone that states this has a separate Net: Hey. We just noticed that “separate” is actually a combination of three words in Spanish. Se-para-te. And that ALMOST MAKES SENSE definition. If your opinions differ, you are a closed-minded bigot, racist or sexist. Net: Let’s not forget homophobia — or were you intentionally fostering oppression by refusing to acknowledge queer identity, hmmm?
What grace gave others the right to decide what I believe? Net: The Federal Communications Commission’s licensing board, most likely. The state of open-mindedness is ruled by those who refuse to try the new, different or unconventional.
I see the mind as a swallow floating on the wind that can go any way it pleases, or even carry coconuts. Net: So do we. Du-uude!! Pass that back around! (exhale) If people are merely willing to try the unknown for a second here and there, they can form their own opinions without the orders of others. Net: They can also find themselves slowly bleeding to death in a dark alley on a starless city night as men in fedoras laugh sardonically at their wounds as life streams from their bodies. That’s why fear of the unknown can be a healthy thing.
An open mind is a spirit that is willing to experience the new and gives a second chance. It is not controlled by others who wave, yell and rave, for they follow a flock. Net: So much for the PSO. That will not lead them to the fountain of youth. It will lead them off a cliff.
So, next time the dreaded phrase of doom lingers near don’t let the evil suck you in, but use an “open mind” and make your own decision.
Thanks for putting up with the weird shit, it makes Back Talk better. Net: Variety is the spice of life — and we gotta say, we aren’t talking about fraternities or squirrels in today’s forum. So for those of you who have been whining for variety, we’ve got it all …
TRAPPED IN ST. PAUL

From 3-Some Boy: Good day, all-powerful and all-knowing Network, and hello not-so-powerful and not-so-knowing students and readers of this fine column. Net: On behalf of us and our minions, hi. By some force of either God or Satan (maybe the mall preachers could tell me) Net: God and Satan merged weeks ago. Get with the times I got stuck over here at the St. Paul Campus this year. Net: Stuck?!? Some of us would KILL to get a spot over there. What was your name again?
I know the school year is almost done and I should be over the anger caused by living here, but I’m not. Net: It’s OK. Anger is inevitable before acceptance. We’ll hold your hand. Now for the most part it’s not that bad — I mean, if you overlook the fact that there’s nothing to do and 80 percent of the people who live here are even weirder than those who live on the Minneapolis campus. Net: What do you consider “weird?” You don’t seem very “open-minded” to us.
But what really pisses me off is the parking. Parking is bad all over this fine world-class university I know, but 10 parking tickets in the last two-and-one-half weeks have called me to action. Unfortunately, the only action I can think of is to write in to Network and complain. Net: Wow. The Man’s really brought you to his knees, hasn’t he?
I have a contract parking spot for this quarter, which cost me about $87. I was happy when I found out I got the spot. But, as deceptive and money hungry as the University is, I wasn’t told that the parking spot was so far south of the dorm that it is almost in Iowa. Net: Don’t worry. Our merger with Iowa is almost complete. Well, needless to say, I haven’t used it once. The bad part is that I park in the other, closer lot, which is usually not even half full, Net: Though some would say it’s half-empty and I get a ticket.
Just something to think about, parking is one more thing that our institute of higher learning simply can’t seem to get right for its students.
And as long as I’m complaining — when are those of us who live in the residence halls on campus going to be freed from the monopoly of food service? Net: When a different monopoly puts in a better bid. Welcome to the corporate U. I don’t need to be paying $600 for crap that I don’t eat. Net: Why not? Your classes cost more than that, and when was the last time you had a good bowl of professor stew? Let me take that money and go out someplace for decent food at my convenience.
I guess I’ll just have to run for MSA President and make some good changes around here. If I were in, there would be good parking for all and a release from the clutches of food service, their fees and that shit they make and call food. Have a good day. Down with Aramark. Net: We’re with ya there. They don’t even make good buffalo wings. You know, just the other day we were at … never mind.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

From Dawn: I need your help desperately. No one reads the ads, and EVERYONE reads Network, so could you help me find my beloved cat? He escaped from my house on Sunday in the Como/Dinkytown area. Alex is a cream- and tan-colored, VERY short-curly-haired Cornish Rex cat. He has gold eyes and is neutered.
If anyone has ANY information as to where he’s been seen or is, I would be greatly appreciative. If someone holds him for me, I will give a reward. Net: And we have her personal information, so we’ll hold her to it. Netheads, be on the lookout. And be careful out there.