Top industry officials are pompously patting each other on the back and rump for signing a local park bench to a four-record contract.
Local park bench and poet Parker Azdown spent most of his life in downtown Minneapolis. There he endured harsh winter conditions and a constant barrage of pigeon stool to bring comfort to tired shoppers and delight to old men feeding birds day-in, day-out for over ten years.
Azdown’s persistence has finally paid off. Don’t Come a-Knockin’ When This Van’s a-Rockin’ Records talent scout Herman Columbus discovered Azdown while illegally driving his car down Nicollet Mall. Right away, Columbus recognized Azdown’s massive sex appeal.
“He was so sexy,” snapped Columbus. “I mean, a lot of people think that anybody that can sing can get a record contract nowadays, but that’s just not true. You don’t have to be able to sing. You just have to be sexy, and this park bench is sexy. Sexy fire! It’s pure sexy fire!”
Columbus went on to dance around an effigy of the Keebler Elves.
With the joy and tumult of Azdown’s record contract also came the mournful wail of the City of Minneapolis. The city will be losing one of its most prominent members of the “Clean Up My Downtown Area, Mofo!” project. Auspiciously for Azdown, he was released from his civil service contract early.
“It was a real honor to have Parker Azdown as a member of our CUMDAM team; we wish him all the best,” said Minneapolis city alderman Gary Shampraise at an unofficial press conference under the Hennepin Avenue Suspension Bridge attended exclusively by The Minnesota Daily and James Brown.
“Showmelooove! Allthepeoplesaygottaaoajomwa;lv##al%?!” said Brown.
Toby Tyler, a drunken slob, has spent many a night sleeping on Azdown after a long night at local taverns.
“It’s a good feeling,” says a recovering-from-a-bender Tyler. “Now that he’s finally hit it big, I’ll be able to say ‘I knew him when…'”
Because of a pint too many, Tyler may not recall that this is not Azdown’s first foray into the public spotlight. Azdown was a member of the popular family sitcom “Don’t Kill Me, You Dumb Bitch” as part of ABC’s T.G.I.F. line-up for three seasons in the early nineties. The series, which included an ensemble cast of such stars as Tim Conway, Tony Curtis, and Scott Baio, was a critical and commercial success.
Former fellow castmate Scott Baio had only glowing remarks about the amazing, more-famous-than-he-will-ever-be, sexy, sexy, sexy park bench.
“I was the star of the show, but I think we all knew that Parker had that certain something I could never have,” smiled Baio. “And that’s massive sex appeal. By the way, did you want fries with that?”
Azdown’s friends, colleagues, and loan sharks aren’t the only ones excited about his fateful twist of fate. Other public landmarks see this as their potential chance to get into the coveted mainstream market.
“Parker has taken the first step,” said lamppost Vernon Jürhartlight. “He’s really opened up the door for the rest of us.”
“I’ve always wanted to go solo,” said the Foshay Tower, member of the local rap group The Downtownz. “Now is my chance to leave the group and literally pursue other avenues.”
Some top industry officials are having a hard time coming to terms with this up-and-coming rock star. Not because it’s hard to believe, but rather they are fuming for not being the first to realize the potential of the sexy young park bench. Big Jagged Rock Records president Theodore Muddlethrough explains:
“I went through the normal phases,” says a coping Muddlethrough. “First there was denial, because no one in this business wants to admit that someone came up with an idea before you did. Then there was the anger phase, because I was angry. Then came hunger, there was definitely some hunger. Now I’m in the Latin dance music phase, but I’m moving toward acceptance.”
While Azdown’s current single, “Our Paint Chips the Same Way,” is currently burning up radio station playlists and MTV’s TRL, Azdown is currently hard at work laying down new tracks with famed record producer, Deluge. Azdown’s debut album, tentatively titled, “Parker Azdown – I’m Comfortable For You,” is expected to hit stores in time for President’s Day.

Justin Jürpantz welcomes comments just where his name indicates.