Teenage girls everywhere revolted last night when the season finale of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” fell victim to the continuing war between Time Warner and ABC.
“Buffy has nothing to do with ABC. What’s their damage?” Tiffany Flower, 15, said.
“Don’t they know Buffy’s going to get it on with Angel this week?!?!? He’s coming back and it will be the best episode of the year, and now I’ll have to pirate it off the Web to be able to see it,” Flower later lamented.
Only one University student joined the protest, but mistakenly thought they had cancelled “Shasta McNasty” on the UPN network. Former gynecology major, Matt “Fatty” Arbuckle said he was disappointed that he drove all the way to Manhattan, but needed to find a hotel so he could catch the last half of “Shasta.”
The teeny bopper revolt followed 150,000 housemoms calling Time Warner to complain when they pulled the plug on ABC in 10 major markets last week.
“Those ABC execs were being bastards, so we were like, screw ’em,” said Richard Balls, Time Warner vice president. “After we pulled their precious ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,’ with that douche bag Regis Philbin, they were willing to talk.”
ABC Executive Keith Smallick said the Time Warner officials were being babies.
“They cried because we wouldn’t give them some money, so they did the only thing they could: played dirty,” he said. “They think they’re hot shots because they can pull the plug — well we have dirty tricks too …”
Time Warner officials said things weren’t so bad with the housemoms — “At least they were just bothering our lowly operators in the basement,” Balls said. But when protests began outside the windows of the Pinky and the Brain Tower in Manhattan, they listened.
The group of teenagers — mostly girls between 13 and 17 years old — began to congregate around 8:05 p.m. Sunday, right after they realized their beloved Buffy would not air.
It was not only Buffy fans who arrived, though. The message appearing on televisions across the country said the channel would not be airing the season finales of “Dawson’s Creek” or “Felicity,” either.
“I hate Buffy, so I don’t care about that,” said Bambi Runaround, 16, of Lebanon, Tenn., “but if they don’t let me find out if Pacey and Joey get together on “Dawson’s Creek,” I’m gonna kick some ass.”
Others were there to offer different solutions.
“They can blackout some of those stupid shows like ‘The Hughleys’ or the ‘Jamie Foxx Show,’ but not ‘Felicity,'” wailed Geena Lee, 17, of Greaser, Ken.
The demonstrations soon grew to 50,000 girls and seven guys.
“I don’t know, man. My girlfriend told me to come or else she wouldn’t let me touch her !*&%^ anymore, so I did,” said Craig Nonuts, 17, of Bumfuck, Idaho.
Time Warner officials restored programming soon after the demonstration turned violent.
“They’re down there wrestling over who’s hotter — Dawson or Noel,” Jimmy Smitts, security officer, said. “I don’t give a sh*t — just get them the hell out of here!”
“Hey! Mind the pansies! Those are my babies!” he screamed, running outside.
In response, Warner Bros. sent WB prize packs to the demonstrators and re-signed the casts of “Dawson’s Creek,” “Felicity” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” through to 2020.
“We’ll have to figure out a way to pull off the 90210 phenomenon and make them stay in high school and college until then, but at least we won’t have to deal with this,” Balls said.

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