The end of the Twin Cities campus at the University of Minnesota is near. Rumors are wild that gold has been spotted on the Internet.
With tuition prices doubling, students have set out for instant wealth in the wild west prospects of California.
The direction of the students was prompted by the Web site, www.findgoldincalifornia.com. The Web site, complete with maps and money amounts, went public last week.
Mobs of students at the University have been seen packing their cars with gold-panning supplies.
University student Matt “Fatty” Arbuckle, a former fitness major, was preparing to drive his Volvo across the country in search of the Internet gold. “California better be ready, man, because we’re coming to stay until they give us our gold,” said Arbuckle. “We had to slaughter the dog to get enough food for the trip.”
Said University President Mark Yudof of the new lack of students in the Twin Cities, “I guess the less students the better. Now we can fit everyone into the Morris campus.”
Gossip has flooded the streets about Yudof turning the deserted University into the “red-light district” of Minneapolis. Says Yudof of his plans, “Strip joints are cool.”
In California, the mad draw of students has left bartenders out of breath. Said San Jose bartender Rico Rick, “I ran out of beer and the students began a huge riot. They screamed and tore at my shirt. I didn’t know if I was going to make it out alive.”
Since the Internet gold fiasco, bars in San Jose, Sacramento and San Diego have tripled in number. Beer companies have begun massive attempts at fulfilling California orders.
Trucks can be seen in long lines on every major highway from Colorado to California. One driver reported that his truck was taken over by students. “They were hanging on the side of the truck and telling me to take them to the gold. They kept asking me if I had a computer. I told them I only had beer. I think that comment saved my life.”
No gold has yet to be found. Students have reportedly formed a base camp on the beach where up-to-date gold reports are being sent.

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