Net: We got a call …

Net: We got a call from Mama Net late last night, wanting to know if we were planning on making it home for the holiday. We said that aside from the fact most members of our family are overbearing, insulting, clinically depressed, self-absorbed and badly in need of a fashion update, we’d like nothing more than to sit at a table full of food and liquor with them.
Mama said she’d send money for a ticket.

SHOWTUNES IN THE SHOWER

From Proud To Be Greek And Gay: Net: Sing it, brother! I can only speak for myself, but as a gay man who is also greek and quite familiar with a number of fraternities on campus, I can honestly say that most of the members of the male greek community are not gay. Net: Whew! What a relief! We smelled a lynch mob a-brewing … Are there gay men in fraternities? Yes. I could easily name at least one past or present gay member in most houses on campus. A number of these individuals were chapter presidents, rush chairs and the like. Despite Queer Bait‘s delusions, most greeks are straight. Net: Where’s PeeWees input when we actually want it? To state that most greeks are gay and that is why men want to join fraternities demeans those greeks both gay and straight who join for the benefits of being Greek (brotherhood, scholarship and service to one’s community). Net: Up until this point, you had us convinced that you actually knew about what you were writing so eloquently. But suddenly, it appears you’re reading from some Pan-Hell press release. Queer Bait‘s diatribe plays into all of the worst stereotypes about gay men. He has done a great disservice to gay greeks who will now have to overcome the negative portrayal of them as sex-crazed individuals who will do anything to sneak a peek at a naked man. Net: As opposed to the widely circulated stereotype that all straight men are sex-crazed individuals who will do anything to sneak a peek at a naked woman. Which, of course, is absolutely true.
I hope that those in the greek community will resist the urge to attack Queer Bait for his asinine comments and thereby risk being considered homophobic Net: Or in denial. I am more than happy to point out his ignorance for you.
YUDOF, YOU LEARN

From Shasta “Hey, Hey, It’s The Sheriff” McNasty: Well, I just got done listening to the sad press conference of Mark Dienhart’s resignation, and after wiping some tears away, I would like to say Mark U-dof, U-suck! (I know you read The Net, Markie-boy). Net: We’ve always wondered about that. We have it on good authority he reads the Daily on a fairly regular basis, but is it possible he has the nerve to tread inside our Networkian walls? Secondly, to all of the cheatin’ basketball players, I would like to say: You suck an even bigger fat one! Net: But U-dof said they were the victims! Imagine their pain and anguish, having someone write papers for them! And consider how difficult it would have been for them to simply say, “No, thanks!” I don’t really know much about Mark Dienhart, but I do know that he has brought to this school the best overall sports program in the Big Ten, and quite possibly the country. Net: Indeed, he did bring in some big-shot coaches. But he also sat in on Clem’s doozy of a contract extension. If our old buddy Yudof wants to make an example of Dienhart by cutting him, I am pretty sure there are 50 other people to blame as well. Net: You’re right. Maybe the University should just fold. It’s obviously a corrupt organization from top to bottom. So now that our athletics director is gone, we can bring in some other shwanz to take over our sports, and then we can become another Northwestern, which pretty much can’t even wipe it’s own ass without sucking at it Net: That is, unless there’s some pretty serious contortionism involved. Then with the extra money we save by getting rid of Dienhart, Net: Hoo-boy! A big, fat $112,000. That might offset the cost of catering at Eastcliff we can do some more construction and remodeling on this construction zone, oops, I mean campus. Seeya, bye.
INSANITY IS RELATIVE(S)

From Phlegm of Discontent: Last week, the court ordered me to see a psychiatrist to deal with my various psychoses and neuroses. Net: That’s like asking Dom DeLuise to deal with Old Country Buffet. Where do you begin? As if megalomania and a slight homicidal tendency are psychoses. I knew he was a quack from the start. I think it was his diploma from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College that tipped me off. I failed the Rorschach test, and the stress relief exercise resulted in the destruction of several thousand dollars worth of advanced psychiatric gizmos. Net: Orange rubber reflex hammer: $18. DVD copy of “A Clockwork Orange:” $40. Corinthian leather chaise lounge: $3,500. Knowing that all of your patients will lead meaningless, empty lives regardless of your input: priceless. He even tried to convince me that my unholy minions of the night are just figments of my imagination. Yeah, right, and I’ll bet my winged monkeys don’t exist, either. The final straw was when he brought in my parents, who immediately told me, “Cut your hair, tuck in your shirt, shave for the lova Pete, and why aren’t you married? You know, we met this nice girl down at the Try’n’Save…” etc. Net: See, therapy does work! Lookit how well-adjusted your parents are?! Finally, after listing all my “ailments,” he had his white-coated thugs dope me up and throw me in a nice padded room. Luckily, my “nonexistent” minions trashed the place and brought me back home to play Bushido Blade. So I guess my whole point here today is that if you have a psychotic breakdown, don’t solve it with therapy and that New Age crap. Solve it with guns, and lots of them. Net: Just don’t go Harris-Klebold and take it out on people who don’t know and wouldn’t care about your problems. Take yourself out instead and save us the media hype.