Flag article about flags causes the use of the word ‘flag’ too many times

by Oscar Meyer

Lips & Hooves Packer

The American flag has been an enduring symbol of the United States since its debut in 1777. But sales of American flags have fallen to an all-time low in recent months, causing America’s flag peddlers great concern.

“People have replaced their flags of freedom with Minnesota Vikings and KISS rock band flags,” said flag expert George L. Patriant. Patriant owns and operates a large discount flag super center in the Super Flag Complex in Lakevill, Minn.

“These damn yuppie suburban trashites, they don’t know what real war is like,” said Patriant in the back office of his super flag center while examining his quarterly financial report.

Patriant, who served four tours of duty in Vietnam, boasts a total of 16 American flag tattoos, three of which he refuses to display.

Three doors down from Patriant’s super flag center, Harris P. Jenderon operates a disputably larger and more attractive super flag center also in the Super Flag Complex.

Jenderson says he has also been suffering from reduced revenue due to lost interest in the “symbol of America.”

“Of course my super flag center is doing better than Patriant’s due to my new neon sign montage that I received last Friday, but revenue has fallen to its lowest since I opened back in 1967, nah, 1960, well, before Patriant of course,” said Jenderson.

Flagonomists in Spain are projecting more drops in American flag sales citing newfound popularity in the national flags of such countries as Andorra and Maldives. “Los americanos son taladrados simplemente con rojo blanco y azul,” said flagonomist Francisco Alfredo Pastatillian at the Annual International Flag Conference on Saturday in the public gymnasium in Zanaga, Congo.

Jenderson, who also operates a makeshift illegal flag-manufacturing plant in the sub-basement of his super flag center, has been experimenting with new renditions of the American flag.

Jenderson’s favorite new design is made of 100 percent Bolivian Khaki cloth with a large imitation Abercrombie & Fitch emblem in place of the 50 stars. Jenderson says the new flag has been “a hit with them there young, rich suburbanite type.”

If current trends continue, overseas markets will be affected significantly in the months to come. Japan’s hotdog commodities are expected to plummet due to layoffs at Japan’s largest flag manufacturing plant in Osaka.

The workers at Super Fantastic Flag Company of Osaka are fed a variety of hotdog dishes three times per day through feeding tubes that were installed when they were hired.

“My workers never have to stop stitching thanks to my new Wiener Feeder 2000,” said plant manager Ying Yang. “It is so super fantastic.”

If current trends continue, flagonomists believe that flag peddlers across the nation will soon be on the streets.

Oscar Meyer welcomes comments at lips&[email protected]