Y’ALL COME BACK NOW
From Ted C. Williams: First off I’d like to give my congrats to the Network on a great job y’all are doing (couldn’t think of a better word to use than “y’all” … oh well!). Net: We favor y’all; it’s the Swiss Army knife of personal pronouns. It’s not gender or numerically specific and it offends no one. Why we Minnesotans are so opposed to this benignant southern colloquialism, we’ll never know. And yes, thank you … we are doing a great job. It’s my favorite part of the Daily. Now, the rest of the letter …
As a Wisconsinite Net: That’s “Sconnie” ’round here and a Green Bay Packer fan, I must congratulate the Vikings on a great season. Net: Aren’t we gushing today? Couple pints o’ paint thinner for breakfast this morning, Teddy? Even though I was raised to believe that the Vikings are messengers of Satan’s plans to take over the world Net: Funny you should say that; wethinks Bill Gates was in the running to buy the team — did Red McCombs save the world? You think about that, it would be stupid of me and every other football fan to say that the ’98 season for the Vikes was nothing short of phenomenal.
With this said, I must now warn all of you die-hard Viking fans of a very frightening thing: The Future (thunder crashes). You are in the most comfortable place to be sitting right now — on top of the NFL and the world. I can hardly imagine the Vikings not winning the Super Bowl, and this will put every high expectation on the 1999 Viking team. Anything short of a Super Bowl win will be a disappointment. Your big name players will leave for millions Net: (He’s enjoying this … don’t tell him they’re all signed), your coaches will leave for s##&*ty teams and the GMs and other head honchos of the organization will feel that they can replace key elements of the team with dismal and pathetic players. Net: What’s wrong with Roell Preston? Darrick Holmes? Bill Schroeder? I can say and predict this because this is EXACTLY what has happened to the Green Bay Packers ever since Super Bowl XXXI. Net: Woo hoo! There is a God … The Packers have lost so many of the key parts of the 1996 season, and the coach that we named a street after, Mike Holmgren, has left to coach and GM the dreadful Seahawks (no offense, Seattle fans). Net: There’s a pun somewhere in them there parentheses And we’ve replaced him with … gasp … Ray Rhodes! Net: Woo hoo! There’s still a God … We aren’t the only franchise who has felt this: The Giants after Super Bowl XXV, the Redskins after XXVI, the Chargers a few years back … the list goes on and on. I will leave you with this note to all Viking fans: Enjoy the top for now, because it’s going to be downhill from here on after!
“JACKASSEDNESS” BELONGS IN YOUR DICTIONARY
From Rob Plant to Lithuanian Lizard: Omnipotent Network, I was upset, unnerved and crying after I read Lizard’s letter. Net: Really? We found it funny. Maybe it’s because my roommate is watching animal porn again. I’m very fragile right now.
But enough about that, I’m writing about human por … er … football. Net: Who isn’t these days? ‘Tis the season. I’m shocked by your assertion that all football analysis requires is a few Sundays of passive watching while reading authors like “Poe” or “Hawthorne” or “Keyshawn (gimmedadamnball) Johnson.” There ya are on the couch, sippin’ your tea, pooh-poohing it all, readin’ your book like a regular … book reader (take that!).
You can’t hope to ascertain any meaningful football knowledge after just a few years of watching. For instance, you might say, “The Vikings is good.” That would be very wrong. “The Vikings is DAMN good” would certainly by a better choice of words. NOTE: I’ve tried to get into Bristol University to study these differences, but the damn bastards won’t except my application. Net: Probably won’t accept it, either, punchy. Watch your diction … What a bunch of snotty bastards with their “rumblin-bumblin-stumblin” and “Louahville.”
As for your dad’s jackassedness, you shouldn’t be surprised. As men, we are required to be a jackass at least once a day. This letter probably fills my jackass requirement (for more than one day).
Well, that’s all I can think of. I can see by the egg timer an old girlfriend left that it’s time for me to watch Traci Lor … uh … “The Song Remains the Same.”
If you’re walking around downtown, please, please don’t go barefoot. It’s cold out. Net: Hey, tell that to Rich Karliss.WHITE BEAR SUPREMACY
From White Bear White Boy: Cracker, I’m sorry you are ashamed of your White Bear Lake roots. I, on the other hand, am proud — yes, proud — to be a White Bear grad attending the mighty University. Net: So you’re the other one …
Just because Jeff Foxworthy gets material from my town or because “mudding” and ice fishing are varsity sports, or that more Confederate flags appear in my yearbook than American ones, doesn’t mean the “enlightened” suburbs of Bloomington and Edina should look down upon us.
I stand before you wearing my cowboy hat and Wrangler jeans, with a tin of Kodiak in my pocket and a Miller High Life in my hand and say, “Follow me!!!”
Follow me to White Bear Lake, a mere 10 minutes from the country and mere 10 minutes from the sprawling metropolis of St. Paul. Net: “Sprawling metropolis?” Are you kidding? It is the only place where all of the hicks from North Dakota and deep woods Minnesota attending the University can feel at home.
People from White Bear may not be the most cultured — renting a Cheech and Chong movie is considered being diverse and Hank Williams Sr. is considered classical music — Net: Hey! Y’all lay off ol’ Hank but we are proud and we know how to have fun. Net: In a car, even. That is truly amazing So all you White Bearians, stand tall and remember, at least we’re not at Century Community College. Net: A-MEN, brother! Ever consider running for governor?