Dear Dr. Date,
This whole quarantine thing has been going on for … a while. Now that my girlfriend and I are back on campus, we are trying to figure out how to uh … get it on. She thinks it’s totally impossible to be safe and hook up during quarantine without spreading COVID-19, but if we wear masks and face shields (in between kisses), I think it could be fun and safe. You ARE a doctor … so what do you think?
Sincerely, an average pre-med student
Dear Average Pre-med Student
It feels like this is a good time to say that over the decades that I’ve been writing for the Minnesota Daily, I have been able to put myself through medical school and residency over three times without a hitch. (The Daily is a pretty lucrative gig). So, you could say I am qualified to answer this question, not only on the topics of romance and lust, but also on how PPE works.
Sex can be okay with those who are in your quarantine bubble. Anyone outside of that, it’s iffy.
First off, YOU are your safest bet when it comes to satisfying your urges and preventing the spread of the coronavirus. But, if you and your girlfriend can’t help yourselves, I think it’s time to expand your bubble.
Like sex in times of a pre-plague world, it’s important to use protection. (It helps prevent the spread of more than just viruses.) Have lube and hand sanitizer on hand, but for the love of god don’t mix the two up. And wear those masks! Face shields would help but may dampen the mood.
Dr. Date is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. And check local health guidelines for advice on preserving romance in the time of ‘rona.
Dear Dr. Date,
I just moved near campus this year. I live on the top floor of an old house out in Como. We all heard about the terrible reviews this property company got (which will remain unnamed), but I didn’t know that it would be this awful.
On my first day in my apartment, I turned on my shower and the bathtub fell right through the floor! In between freaking out, I managed to call my landlord and tell them that the bathroom was completely destroyed. I also ran downstairs to make sure no one in the apartment below mine was hurt. Thankfully, everyone was fine, but it turns out one of the girls who lives right below me is super hot… I think I want to take her on a date. The only issue is that there’s no way she would ever go out with someone who just destroyed the only bathroom in her apartment! Can I salvage this?
Sincerely, Bathtime collapse
Dear Bathtime collapse,
I mean the only salvaging to be done here are the construction workers who are working to fix the two-story water feature. Maybe ice-breakers are old fashioned, what we really need this whole time are ceiling-breakers! I think the art of romance can also be about surprise and intrigue, and what’s more intriguing than someone who accidentally destroyed your bathroom? And isn’t the shared hatred of a landlord the cause of many modern love stories?
You already have the leg up because you ran down to check on your hot neighbor when her ceiling collapsed – how romantic and caring! As long as you play this smooth, I think you could walk out of this with a (socially distant) date!
Hey, maybe that collapsed bathtub will be the highlight of this whole school year!
Sincerely, Dr. Date