Kueppers: Finally, some answers

After days of soul searching, I know who is to blame for everything that has happened to humanity in 2020.


Henry Kueppers

I couldn’t sleep last night. Nightmares of Election Day disrupted my peaceful slumber. Thoughts of another four years of chaos, inequality and the dismantling of our democracy buzzed around in my head. I got up from bed, went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of warm milk (that’s code for whiskey on the rocks). I pulled back the blinds of a window and watched the leaves rustle in the wind. Oh, what it must be like to be a leaf — always in a constant state of movement and disturbance. Leaves are indeed the first true nomads, I reflected, as I took another hearty sip of my “warm milk.”

This song and dance of my staring outside and the leaves blowing in the wind went on for god knows how many minutes. It felt like years. But where was our solace? Like my ever racing mind, did these leaves not deserve rest? Comfort? No, neither one of us will ever get that because 2020 had different plans for all of us. Ashamed of my own hope, I instinctively reached down to my pocket for a cigarette, even though I’ve never smoked a day in my life. I guess a bad year will do that kind of thing to a person. But, it can’t just be chalked up to a despicable calendar period … there has to be more. Then, like a ton of bricks, I was struck with an epiphany. How foolish I was to take this long to realize all of our nation’s troubles can be pinned back to one man. Nay, one gopher.

Where is Goldy the Gopher when our country needs them the most? Our democracy is crumbling. COVID-19 is infecting thousands, and voter suppression is running rampant. If there was ever a time for a goofy mascot to ride in on his glorious Segway scooter and save the day, it was now. Yet, when the world needed a silly gopher the most, Goldy vanished. I’ve seen this freaking Gopher do 50 plus pushups in one day. Goldy clearly has both the stamina and power to save our country. So where is Goldy the Gopher, huh? What’s Goldy doing to help out? Our mascot’s absence has left me spinning my head for answers.

I went online and perused Goldy’s social media accounts. Maybe there I would find Goldy’s stances on social justice issues, photos of their charity work and proof that there was still hope. Yet, to my great dismay, all their Instagram had to show was insensitive and childish photos of Goldy dressed up in “hilarious” costumes. Oh ha ha, Goldy! I also think it is just oh so funny to dress up when millions of Americans are wondering where their next meals are going to come from. Infuriated by this, I shut my laptop, poured another glass of “warm milk” and started texting some of my friends.

“Hey,” I said. “Have you guys seen Goldy at any social justice protests in the past? I haven’t.”
Many of my friends texted back sentiments such as “Wtf Henry?” and “Are you drunk right now?” Clearly, as none of them were able to confirm that they had seen Goldy at any protests, that all but answered my suspicions. I guess Goldy was just too busy to march for equality? Before I could help myself, my mind began to race to other conclusions: For example, has anyone actually ever heard Goldy denounce white supremacists (or just speak for that matter)? And what about the fact that Goldy has never signed any petitions to create female mascots in the Big Ten Conference? Oh, and finally, can anyone remember seeing Goldy the Gopher on campus on 9/11? People, wake up! This beloved mascot of ours clearly does not represent our ideals. I mean, how much do we actually know about Goldy the Gopher? A quick Google search is all you need to discover the worst truth of all: the fact that Goldy the “Gopher” is nothing more than a goddamn ground squirrel. This disgusting menace to society lied to all of us, for YEARS about who they were! Who knows what other countless things Goldy could be lying about!

Goldy’s past is questionable, and their future shows no signs of making any changes in their life. This seemingly ageless mascot is starting to feel pretty antiquated to this columnist. I decided it was time to voice my opinion and share these shocking revelations with our campus, but more importantly, the world. Goldy the Gopher is no friend of mine. Anyone who can spin their head on a dime and still face no negative repercussions is not someone to trust. Goldy, if you are reading this, you disgust me. I hope you feel shame for your crimes, and I hope you repent your ways.

*Disclaimer: One could make the argument that this was a “satirical” article written by the columnist. However, the columnist wants to make clear, he stands by everything he’s said.