From Peewee: Dr. Nick should change his name to Mike Binkley because he seems obsessed with sharing useless entertainment trivia with everyone, just like the “Bloom County” character who, after his closet of anxieties had disturbed his slumber, would wake his dad in order to ponder the mysteries and wonders of the Hollywood Universe. I wear an XL. Thank you very much; this will delay my having to do laundry for at least one more day. OPUS LIVES!!!!!!!!! Net: Nicely done. That’s one XL T-shirt for Peewee, one giant leap for Berke Breathed.
From Bike Hunter to Armless Wonder: You complain about the cops hassling you for riding on the sidewalk while admitting that you’re riding the wrong way on Fourth Street on your way to campus. Well, genius, why not take University Avenue, which not only lets you ride with traffic instead of against it, but also has a bike lane! Net: Ta daaaa! Ever hear of traffic laws? Net: Ever hear of civil disobedience? Where’s your spirit? I’ll bet you’re one of the idiots who figures that the rules don’t apply to bike riders, so you blast through stop signs, red lights, pedestrian rights of way, drive the wrong way on one-way streets or against traffic on two-way streets (“’cause it’s easier than crossing the street”) and generally do everything you can to antagonize both drivers and pedestrians. Net: Hey, as long as he doesn’t wear a helmet, natural selection will take over. Most streets in this city don’t have painted bike lanes, but contrary to your rant, there are accommodations for you on every street. It’s called the right lane, and as long as you’re obeying the traffic laws (what a concept), you have every right to be there. Net: Yeah, if you’re Robbie Kneivel, sheesh!
From Jerk: I have to say, the letter from fellow IT “honors” geek the Mule is somewhat deceiving. He does not in any way represent the opinions of the whole group. Net: Ah yes, the IT honors collective consciousness has been misrepresented, and someone’s gonna pay! I would have to say that Canadian FBI does a much better job of expressing our opinions (though I do not by any means claim to do the same). A number of us have identified Mr. Mule and would like to point out that in class he is referred to by the not-so-friendly moniker “the wiener.” Net: AKA Oscar. Heh-heh. He’s not even a college student yet. He’s a PSEO. We won’t debate the questionable motives of a prepubescent high school nerd here and now, but my point remains the same.
Though I am also in IT honors and assuredly respect girls who can, as he so eloquently put it, “integrate a transcendental function,” I have to say, all in all, I would look outside IT for women as some of the IT women seem to me to be undateable (to use Jerry Seinfeld’s word). Net: You’ll never date in this department again. Besides, who wants to talk about transcendental functions when you’re on a date? Maybe the wiener does. Furthermore, I think if “that cute girl with the dyed red hair” found out who the wiener is, she’d probably beat the crap out of him.
I hear she knows Judo. Net: Transcendental functions and martial arts? Now that’s a dangerous redhead …
From Molehunter: As I write this, the Mole is less than 10 yards from me, so here’s a good description. He wears a trench coat outside. Carries it around with him all the time. Tan color. The Mole himself: Older, about 6 foot 2, bald on top and a gray ponytail, large pink cyst or growth of some sort at the center of the brow. Some liver spots. Large glasses, sometimes tinted. Tends to wear button-up shirts, sometimes vests, ties or sport coats. Generally greasy and nasty looking. Actions to watch for: Riding up and down elevators. Using computers, sometimes hunching over them or blocking the view with his hand or choice texts (The Erotic Mind, etc.). Standing around watching pretty girls. Giving sideways glances to women around him in the lab. Habitat: Found almost exclusively in Walter Library, both in the computer lab and in the building at large. Talks to librarians. (Do they know they’re talking to a guy who beats it while he dreams about Ricki Lake squattin’ over his face?) Apparently works in the building, but that is unconfirmed. Sources have confirmed that he is a grad student; this has been long suspected since only students can use the lab, and there are very few greasy 60-year-old undergrads. Net: That’s as clear a picture as we need — until you read description number two:
From YuppieSlayer, in response to EvilGrin’s Moleman query: Camouflage jacket and backwards baseball cap. Net: Sounds like Ted Kaczinski was set up … Under this cap grows a forest of messy brown hair, which matches an unkempt beard and mustache. Eyes are beady and mischievous. One outstanding feature which I can never forget — the big, dark mole on his cheek. Net: And this — albeit specious — admission, only adds to the confusion in which we’re already embroiled regarding Moleman:
From BuckyP: I would like to begin by saying I AM THE MOLE MAN!!!!! Net: Uh-huh. And we’re Batman. Actually, I am one of the many belonging to the Not-So-Secret Society of Molemen. My fellow 50-year-old 10th-year sophomores and I would like to announce our emergence as a political party, endorsing our candidate (appropriately named Walter) for president in 2000. Net: At least he’d be upfront about his sexual neuroses. We would also like to show our contempt for not only King T and his CSOM operatives, but also for the vile IT students and their beloved Network, who have attempted to destroy our only platform plank — Public Urination. Net: Nobody’s buying this. Since we have now been ostracized at every computer lab on campus (not to mention the e-mail terminals in Coffman and the St. Paul Student Center), we have been forced to hold vigil outside various restrooms across the great University. Net: Is anybody buying this? Our only other course of action will be performed this weekend, when our drunken stupors will consecrate the opening of the First Annual Piss-a-thon around the CSOM building and Middlebrook Hall. Net: Will the real Moleman please stand up? Golden streams shall fly, and each and every one of you will pay for your infidelity. Net: Puh-leez!