Thanks, that hot dog was delicious

Was there anything more life-changing than a meal designed to be eaten with one hand?

by Kat Hargreaves

Ahh, November. Where to begin? I don’t know about anyone else, but life for me is pretty good right now: Midterms are over, I’m not in debt, and my cupboard is stocked with Cocoa Pebbles. In other words – yes, you knew it was coming – I guess you could say I have a lot to be thankful for. I know it’s a little early to jump on the Thanksgiving-themed train, but seeing how most of the holidays are shameless excuses to justify doing things you wouldn’t normally do were you sober, I will thus think nothing of introducing my list of things to be thankful for one week early.

Things I am thankful for:

1. This week’s issue of Us Weekly showcasing Britney Spears on the cover with the humiliating headline “SICK.” To explain: Oh my god, I love pop culture. I know tabloids are wrong on so many levels, but was there ever a better example of our media-obsessed culture and the unconscious (and, I’m sure, unvoiced) desire to topple our idols? God forbid that there ever exist public pictures of me and my unwashed face trolling for Pringles and pads at the Valu Plus Supermarket à la Paris Hilton or my mother having hard core evidence of my cocaine addiction à la Kate Moss. But all compassion for the exploited masses aside, what else would I read in the bathroom after a long day at school? Not “War and Peace,” I will tell you that.

2. Hot dogs. Actually no, I take that back. Sausage in all forms. If a Vienna Beef cart were to spring into life in my front yard right now, I would swear on all my good teeth that I would take it over world peace any day. After all, was there anything more life-changing than food that is a meal designed to be eaten with one hand? Preferably with beer? No? That’s what I thought, too.

3. Novelty holiday sweaters.

4. People who tip me a dollar for their $2 coffees. I have wanted to write a column about this for a long time, if only to illustrate for you how sad your life truly becomes once your happiness is completely dependent on the tips you earn in a shift slinging coffee. While my integrity nor my boss would never allow for any repercussions should you not tip, you slipping that 25 cents back into your pocket after I’ve slaved away on your stupid grande-frappe-one pump vanilla-skim-extra hot mocha latte is akin to killing a live puppy in front of me. And that live puppy was my only Christmas present.

5. Albus Dumbledore coming out as gay. Take that, conservative America!

6. Finding a $10 bill buried deep in my jean pocket just minutes after I thought I was going to be broke for the rest of my life.

7. The movie “The Mighty Ducks.” Whether you were born and bred in Minnesota has absolutely nothing to do with it, and whether you’re able to fully appreciate Emilio Estevez’s finest piece of work has everything to do with it. Honestly, I can’t even fully explain why this movie is so good, except for that Adam Banks represents every crush I had from ages 6 to 11 and Joshua Jackson later went on to play such teenage heartthrobs as Pacey on “Dawson’s Creek.” In other words, a growing girl’s heart doesn’t forget these things so easily.

Things I should be thankful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. My boyfriend, even though he has red hair.
4. Getting paid to write the things I do in this column.

Kat Hargreaves welcomes comments at [email protected]