From T-Rex: I’m sick of the insignificant crap I read in this section. Who cares about squirrels and petty vandalism?
I’ve never written in before Net: Gotcha to write …, and I felt the time was right. I have a couple issues with this University: parking and the football team. Net: Wow. We’re so blown away by your significance. I’ll get right into it.
I haven’t seen anyone complain about parking in this medium so far, and it made me wonder. Net: Did you wonder if we just haven’t been printing parking letters? If so, you’re right. We’re giving bicycles a rest for awhile, too. And hey! No IT/CLA or fraternity debates to be seen. Welcome to the New World Order. I wonder if people just don’t care about wasting healthy sections of an hour just to gain parking? Net: The average college student spends four hours a day in front of a TV set. Parking is no big deal. Or is it that the people who would like to complain simply don’t have the time?
I, too, sacrifice precious time to be with you today, time I would have for leisure if not for the parking nightmare I live every day. I realize this is a non-commuter rag, but maybe — just this once — it could be addressed?
The second issue that I have against this establishment concerns the Gophers football team. I was curious why the University continues the affiliation with this team? Low self-esteem — it’s the main factor in all co-dependent relationships. I mean seriously, what do we pay these guys for? I know this might be an unpopular view within this community, but I’m sure others share my opinion. I’m not saying the powers-that-be should pump any more money into this program; no way! I think it is time to abandon it all together. Let the team operate as its own entity.
That’s it. Thank you Network. Bababooey, Fafafooey. Net: Etc., etc. You know what suckers we are for flattery.


From U of M Lover to Aaron Smith: More power to you Aaron — I agree 100 percent. I have been at this University for most of my undergraduate career and am a little sad to say I will be leaving it for good come this December. Net: You don’t have to, you know. Just hang out in Dinkytown for the next 10 years — you’ll find plenty of comrades at the Onion. For the most part, my undergraduate education has been incredible Net: Note — in the unedited version of this letter, “incredible” was misspelled. End of commentary, and I have taken advantage of many of the opportunities this University offers. I love the location and the beauty of this University as well as the increadable faculty. Net: OK — that time we let it go. We almost feel bad about it, but we have a reputation to uphold. I have a couple of things to say to all those negative students out there:
1. No one likes a complainer. You are irritating to those around you, and only assholes like to date and/or befriend negative people. Net: Y’know, that’s really wise. Quick — where’s our refrigerator?
2. How do you think it makes you look when you bitch about this University, yet are too lazy to transfer to another one? Net: Ah — the “love it or leave it” argument. Have any of you regulars noticed how often that’s come up in nearly all our extended debates this fall? Will mommy and daddy only pay your tuition if you stay close to home?
If you hate the U of M and believe it is a “frozen hellhole,” I have one word for you: TRANSFER!!! Get out of here and leave all of us U of M lovers alone to admire the beauties, advantages and possibilities of this great University. By the way Net, thanks for all your humor and guidance over the past four years. I will truly miss your sarcastic comments to idiots who write in. Net: We’re not so sure, after this one. See ya…


From Citizens Against Frozen Shitholes: I’m not sending this e-mail over from Montana, so don’t get the wrong idea. OK, so what if the big one drops? Net: We all flee Yudof’s flatulence. What are you going to do?
Governments of the world spend major amounts of assets on civil defense — shouldn’t you too? Net: And governments often run up huge budget deficits. Hmmm … OK, major world governments aren’t in danger of collapsing Net: That’s not what Zhirinovsky says …, but hey — I see enough people walking around looking economically bombed out.
Show a little Gopher pride, and stock up on your nuts for the lean times. Buy some fishing tackle, a good tent and a warm sleeping bag with a good air mattress — and don’t forget the matches for a nice warm fire. Remember — winter outdoors in this climate is harsh.
Take care.


From Cool Hand Eric: Hello, kind folks at Network. Net: Hi. I understand that occasionally you will assist in helping people be reunited with their lost belongings. Well, to make a long story short, I lost a black leather glove Wednesday morning. Net: Really? We lost our thong THE SAME DAY! Were you THERE!?!?!
I believe it was lost somewhere between 33 McNeal Hall, and the bus stop in front of the St. Paul campus sometime between 8:45 a.m. and 11 a.m. It is a thin dressy glove for the left hand. Net: Isotoner, by chance? Quick — call Ron Goldman! If anyone finds it, I would greatly appreciate having it returned to me. Thanks!