From Prudence: Hi. I’ve always been a passive reader of the Network, never even dreaming of writing in, so I have no idea how you even assign the pseudo names. Net: FYI, we don’t, unless people don’t include a name. Or if the name they include is just too stupid for words. You know, like, “Ted.” I’ll be Prudence, because I have an idea that by the time you finish my letter, that’s what you’ll be calling me, so I’ll just nip it in the bud. Net: If we had our druthers, we would call you Barney Fife.
As I have already mentioned, I’m just a supplicant of the Network’s great benevolence, never an applicant. Net: You say tomato, we say to-mah-to, let’s call the whole thing off. Usually, the witticisms of the Net keep me pretty well amused among the doldrums of many a University professor’s lecture (but bless their little by-the-book souls, how terrible it must be for them to prepare lectures for thousands of students, when the actual information presented will only penetrate the stressed-out minds of a dozen or two. Net: We’d call that a pretty good turnout. I’d stop caring, too, but then again, I’m not tenured …). But recently, I have seen a sad decline in the quality of the Network’s submissions. Net: That’s like saying you’ve seen a sad decline in the stories covered on the 10 o’clock news. There’s not a lot we can do about it … we’re slaves to the collective wit of the serfs. Or something like that. Although never really a mecca for intellectual stimulation (which is why the Network is so near to my heart … I understand it!), it has really sunk to new depths of depravity in the last week or two. Now, I enjoy a good conversation on the merits of fellatio as much as the next girl, maybe even experimentations to prove hypotheses on the best techniques, but I find it rather sickening and perverse to open up the Network to be greeted by ‘Diva extolling the virtues of sucking c%@k. What crude terms. I feel I’m reading a Playboy article Net: We prefer to be compared to Penthouse Forum, thankyouverymuch. and I can honestly say I read Playboy for the articles … . I’m happy to hear she enjoys it, as I’m sure her boyfriend does. Net: Apparently you don’t know Rolla. The closest thing she has to a steady is about eight inches long and made of silicone. But gentlemen, rest assured, there is much more to oral sex then just c%@ksucking — excuse my use of that term. Someday, when ‘Diva grows up, you’ll all realize this — and this is no rip on ‘Diva; I couldn’t care less, she’s just an example. Thank you.

From your pal Obi: What the heck is going on here Net? Once, long ago, a respectable group of people filled your oh-so-rectangular space with wit and sass that sent all who read to the emergency room with muscle spasms! Net: If there’s one thing on which we’ve always prided ourself it’s a high SQ. Spank you for noticing. Now all I see is a bunch of cowards spreading their hate, anger and filth under the guise of a cleverly concocted nickname. Net: Leave Dubya out of this. By the way, I do not consider Rollerdiva‘s letter filth — never have, never will! Rolla, Tiggs, Phlegm, PeeWee, Pixee and all the other regulars whose names I’ve forgotten, we must band together and bring back the good old days of Net! Net: Fine with us, so long as appearances by and/or references to King T, the MOC and Citizen are only fleeting. Nostalgia’s a bitch. With a force as our guide, and a little help from Net, Net: Oh, we can play, too!? we can make Network into what it really was meant for — A porno gallery for midgets, err … um, I mean, oh, never mind.
Oh, wait, I’ve got it! A really, really, really cool place again! So there you have it. I look forward to all the responses. Net: As do we. But we tend not to be so picky.

From Pissed Off Bitch: Net: Here, presented for your esteemed and perusal, Financial Aid Haiku:
It’s November Four.
I still don’t have my money.
Overdrafts abound.
Net: We don’t understand.
Why all the money complaints?
You should get a job.
Demons have my check.
They live in Fraser Hall and
say, “Come back Monday.”
Net: Perhaps McDonald’s.
We’re sure they’d love to have you.
Oh yeah — they pay, too.
Promissory note
is sitting on someone’s desk.
Damn the paperwork.
Net: We had a job once,
working as a ditch digger.
Then we got this gig.

From Disco Fox: The dance has gone from my life, so I am dropping the Disco from my name — call me simply The Fox. And do you know why everything is so bleak? Net: Because we had $50 on Penn State and the number? The quality of Network entries lately — it’s been getting much worse, though the decline began slowly about the same time Elmo was removed from the Daily. Net: Ahh, Elmo … our old BackTalk compatriot. Last we heard, he was busing tables at a swank Manhattan bistro, sipping lattÇs like a pro and experimenting with beat poetry. Rumor has it he was thinking about stopping through town sometime during the holidays, though …. It is always the same people writing in and getting published, though there has been some fresh blood lately. Net: Fresh something, anyway. Everyone talks about the same things — nothing is new. In other words, THIS SUCKS S##!+! You need to get some NEW topics, like when you first appeared so long ago. Net: OK, here’s one: Who’d win in a Celebrity Deathmatch between Mark Yudof and Mac Boston and why? Why can’t we get some discussions going about movies/TV/whatever? Net: We think you just did. Thanks for letting me get this rant out. At least the music lives on in my heart.