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Holla Backlash

>Confessions of a sexually matured, rehabilitating drama queen

OMG! Like, Holla’s body has totally been taken over by a 15-year-old! OMG, look at all the Hollister! Cuuuuute! OMG! Like, totally think about 2004, right? You were probably in high school! And who was the hottest girl around? TOTALLY Lindsay Lohan, right? OMG! She was sooooo hot! “Mean Girls?” TOTALLY sexy! Even your dad thought she was hot! (Ew!) So imagine THIS is 2004 and all these kinda-naked pictures of Linds have hit the Internet! Can you say pandemonium?!?

Oh, but wait, it’s TOTALLY not 2004! It’s 2008! And Lindsay doesn’t look so totally smokin’ anymore! OK, so some of you are totally looking confused and being all like, “Lindsay Lohan naked? What? Where?!”

Well gosh, where are you living, under a rock at Walter Library? She’s NAKED! Can we get a big ol “TITTIES!!!” from the cheap seats, plz? Like, OMG, everyone, settle down a second! Don’t go runnin’ for the Playboy rack! Go pick up an issue of super-chic New York Magazine to see! Or, you know, find one of those computers in the hallway and check it out online if reading is a lil’ over your head when titties are on the menu. (Us, we read “Playboy” for the articles-and the titties. For reals!)

Y’see, back-to-brunette (Thank you baby Jesus!) LiLo is doffin’ her duds to pay homage to the original blondie-with-a-drug-problem, Ms. Marilyn Monroe. Except, Linds-o doesn’t look quite so great – well, take that back, her boobs look totally awesome! But the old white magic that Lindsay was so fond of stickin’ up those pretty nostrils sure has taken a toll on our girl! She’s lookin’ more like Marilyn’s corpse than MM herself! Yikes! And what a baaad wig they’ve stuck on her – probs from the Racquel Welsh collection at Merle Norman, huh? But still, LOHAN’S NAKED!

Kentucky Fried Chicken of the Sea

Stickin’ with this golden ’04 theme, and the boobs theme too, another chick who was totally so hot back in the day and then sorta disappeared ’cause like, everyone totally hated her – ‘She’s so fat! She’s so ugly! Did she get her lips done? OMG, she’s totally dating John Mayer! Gross! She looks like a tranny!’ – yes, Jessica Simpson is ALLEGEDLY plotting with Country Music Television to star in ANOTHER reality show!

Can we take more Jess? Remember how totally whiny she was? Eww! Can we deal with more airhead questions about tuna? And now that Ms. Double Ds (can we get a, “You can’t cover those suckers up!” from the cheap seats?) knockin’ boots with hunky Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo, he’s gonna have to deal with playing the hunky faux-Nick in the show and listening to Jessica’s 24/7 whining (say it with us, “Bay-beeeee!”) and dealing with her gay-gay-gay hairdresser/conjoined twin Ken Paves, not to mention her creepy daddy.

Oh yeah, and the show’s ‘sposed to be about Jess recording/caterwauling her new country album. Let’s hope it’s as great as her last CD! Yeehaw, ya’ll!

And the award for bestÖ

And since those glitzy glamorous Oscars are on this weekend, we here at Holla have been talkin’ about creating some awards of our own! We’re pretty influential, y’know!

Imagine “Best Performance by a Panel Member on ‘The View’ ” – Sherri Shepherd, obviously. Homegirl is kinda dumb, doesn’t know that the world is round! What is this, the Ice Age? Love you, girl, that’s why we watch!

“Greatest Episode of Daytime Talk Show Devoted to Vaginas” is an award that belongs to Tyra Banks (sorry, Oprah) and her oh-so-detailed vag puppet guest-star.

“Most Powerful in Hollywood” going to REHAB, since they’ve claimed the souls of about 65 percent of Tinseltown’s population and counting!

“Best ‘Set to an Ancient Rolling Stones Tune Slow-Motion Heartstring-Tugging Montage’ ” for sexy beefcake Wes Anderson and beefcake bonanza “The Darjeeling Limited.”

Who will win the coveted, “Best Performance by a Weave” for 2007? Britney? Tyra? Lindsay? Billy Ray Cyrus? Bret Michaels? You can call that one.

“Best Sex Tape Leak/Best Performance by a Beard” and “Best Denial of True Sexual Orientation” goes to Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron!

Well, ain’t this fun! Fundraising for The Backlash Awards 2008 begins next Thursday with a black-tie gala in the Daily building! Start saving those pennies! You know you love us!

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