NO SURVIVORS
From Fat Abbot: Dear Network, my gag reflexes are in full gear this week as I watch “Survivor.” This show is so lame. Net: Wait….a “lame” program on prime-time television? Apparently you don’t watch the WB. Pitting an ex-Navy SEAL and a gay man together on an island hasn’t been done this poorly since Mr. Belding (the ex-Navy SEAL) and Screech went to Hawaii on “Saved By The Bell.” Net: Say what you will, but A.C. Slater looked GOOD in a thong, as did Kelly. I also puke every time I see a commercial for the new show “Big Brother.” Do we really need shots from inside the shower? Net: I always keep a bottle of 151 and a glass right next to my Calgon. I guess at least “Survivor” won’t show shots of some guy punching the clown in the shower a la American Beauty. Net: Stuck on a deserted island, what better way is there to alleviate stress? I am not admitting I saw “American Beauty.” This guy I know did and he told me all about it. Net: Was it Gene Siskel? Oh, wait…
Anyway, when will the creators of “Survivor” show the daily trek to the McDonald’s at the food court on the other side of the island and the rounds of Mai Tai’s the cameramen buy for the ladies in the show? Net: Conspiracy theory, eh? Do you think the CIA is involved somehow? Or OPEC, perhaps? That same guy who told me about “American Beauty” also said that there was some moron talking into a coconut this week. Net: Man, that show is becoming more and more like “Gilligan’s Island.” I smell a rat. I guess they didn’t show him drinking those eight pi¤a coladas at the food court, did they?
One last thing, this may be a question for Doctor Date, but I didn’t want to write into a feature that copies old entries. Net: Everything copies everything else. Deal with it. I saw your reference to a “Cleveland Steamer” this past week. I have heard another person in the Midwest use this term. Net: Was Redd Fox recently here? However, on the East Coast they talk of “Cincinnati Steamers.” What’s the difference??? Net: There is no difference. Apparently you’ve never been to Ohio.
DULL TIMES
From King Sausage: Hello all twelve of you who are reading Network this summer! Net: Hey, I get paid either way. Who’s the sucker now? Got a question for you…is anybody else pissed off that nothing cool has really happened in 2000? Net: You just wait until Guns ‘n’ Roses gets back together. I’m not talking about personal stuff; I mean BIG events. I mean, come on, this is 2000! Sh*t! It’s just the same old crap. Ugh. At least SOMETHING could have happened on New Year’s Eve…some sh*t blowing up or something. Net: I guess you weren’t at the same party I was at. Come on. This is boring! It’s June of 2000, and nothing’s going on! Dammit! Something needs to happen…and quickly! Pick up a newspaper, read Time … the news sucks! Net: That’s why you gotta just skip it and go straight to Network. It’s boring, boring, BORING! HELP! Is anybody else out there suffering a likewise fate!?? Net: Things wouldn’t be so boring if you got out of IT. P.S., All of these PeeWee vs. everyone else debates have grown old.

From Biznitch: Here’s a list of a few things that I hate. I just thought I’d share with y’all. Net: Who do you think you are, David Letterman? 1. Broken glass in the bike lanes. Net: Drinking and biking don’t mix. 2. Black licorice – it tastes like menthol cigarettes. Net: You mean clove cigarettes. 3. Dumbasses who are standing in the way and don’t realize it. Net: Other than the Christian Right? 4. Ticketmaster fees. Net: If the bands really cared about you, they’d play for free. 5. Onions. Net: What!? Who cares. 6. When people write in to Network and say “Insert comment here.” Net: As opposed to this here intellectual delight. 7. Soggy breasts. Net: Yeah, KFC has really gone downhill. 8. “Real World” and “Road Rules” re-runs, especially when they’re on instead of “120 Minutes.” Net: The ONLY good show MTV ever had, and now it’s crap too. 9. Coconut – The little pieces get stuck in your teeth. Net: Then eat only big pieces. Man, it’s tough being you. 10. Boy bands. Net: But not N’Sync, right? RIGHT!?? Bye,Bye,Bye. 11. Water chestnuts – they don’t go well with chow mein, and that’s the truth. 12. Stop lights that make everybody wait for an unnecessary amount of time. Net: As opposed to getting blind sided by that 18-wheeler that came out of no where. No need to stop. 13. The Yankees Net: Should be No. 1 on everybody’s list. Especially because of Chuck KnoBLOCKhead…what a rube!!!

From Kung Fu Joe: Ahoy Net. Net: Chips Ahoy, Fu This is to Rolla Diva. Like many guys Net: And some women on St. Paul campus in Networkia I am intrigued by your entries and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Net: Just remember where she got her journalistic start…we better be mentioned when Diva wins her Pulitzer.