Presidential reruns in 2000

Donkeys and elephants are becoming the two most important animals of the year.
The 2000 presidential election is right around the corner. The Republicans opened their four-day nomination party yesterday in Philadelphia. The GOP will continue celebrating George W. Bush and Dick Cheney for the remainder of the week. Democrats across the nation are also gearing up for political warfare, sending Vice President Al Gore to the front lines, and currently without support. Gore has yet to choose a running mate for the race to Capitol Hill.
This all begs the obvious question: Why should I care? That is a fantastic question with a myriad of responses. The most obvious answer is, “Look at what happened with that cigar-smoking louse we’ve got in there now,” which is closely followed by the required “because-it’s-our-duty-as-U.S.-citizens” response.
Yes, it’s our right to pick and choose from a small field of particular brown-nosing vermin who harbor the desire to represent our nation to diplomats around the world. Why shouldn’t we strive to bring yet another purebred American boy to the throne of the Oval Office so we can quickly change the channel when his face appears on the nightly news?
Do you remember the last time we had a Bush in the White House? He tossed half-digested shrimp into the lap of a foreign dignitary, which surely exemplified just what this individual’s journey meant to the United States: “You make me sick!”
For nearly all of the 1980s, taxpayers funded the dreams of a retired actor trying to make a science-fiction trilogy a reality in a wild attempt to destroy the Soviet Union.
As far as Gore is concerned, does anybody even remember the name of Richard Nixon’s right-hand man? I didn’t think so.
The American public has had enough misery from Clinton to never see anything associated with him again, including Vice President Al “Bore.”
I hate to sound so negative. There have been a few good leaders of this great nation during its 200-year reign. Take Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy for example. They were so loved by the citizens of the United States that neither of them lived to see a full term. Imagine how lovely it must be to be so popular among your peers at the university you go to that, as an incoming freshman, you have no guarantee of living to walk across the Grove stage in four years. In political terms, if you don’t make it, then you must be the most wonderful student in Ole Miss history. To me, it means you’re dead and now I’ve got your job. Similarly, Lincoln and Kennedy are now just numbers on a list of individuals who have wriggled past disaster so as to not destroy the land of opportunity.
Sarcasm aside, follow the campaign trail closely through these next few months as two (or possibly three, depending on whether or not Ross Perot is still alive) candidates state their opinions and platforms for the post of president of the United States. In November, get out and vote for the one you think will screw up the country the least, because neither one will make any vast improvements by themselves. Vote for your candidate, know the issues, make an educated and wise decision — if for no other reason than once they elect the other guy, you can complain without guilt or remorse for not having cast your ballot. This influences the next four years; Leno and Letterman will make fun of him every night and dull-looking men in business suits will analyze his every move during your midday news program. Make sure your choice is a voice and a name of which you won’t soon tire, because in another four years, you will be ready to throw him off the top of the Washington Monument.

Steve Martini’s column originally appeared in the Daily Mississippian on Aug. 1.