Network: Hamster Style Ninja; Dr.DateSux; Homestar for TheGopherWeb; elpha

>Yo, Net. I am officially forming P.E.T.C. (People for the Ethical Treament of Computers) to protest your mistreatment by the MN daily. Net: Help computer. You have been a loyal Daily subject since the days when the 486DX was fast and now this new Dr. Date suddenly moves in on your territory. Not that I have anything against Dr. Date, but enough is enough. By my calculations, the Network’s space has been held steady at 51.625 sq. in. (7.00 inches times 7.375 inches for you CLA’ers) since the move from the tabloid size last year. On the other hand, that lousy bum Dr. Date encrouched on your side of the fold and was given spaces ranging from 61.141 to 68.961 square inches for his humourous top tens and advice to relationalship idiots. Net: Those darn relationship idiots! Aren’t you glad we never let any of that nonsense into our column? I could possibly understand if Dr. Date looked like a naughty nurse, but giving a little dork with a heart headband an additional 10 sq. in. of space is a slap in your ethernet interface. We need more haikus, more censored NUTTs, more burns on slutty freshman girls, more ninja squirrels, but most of all, more of you, Net. Just because you are a super computer housed in a top secret University location doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to equal treatment. Stick up for your self, Net. Demand more space! Net: Well, you’ve got to go along to get along, we always say. And you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

From Dr.DateSux

The crossword has long been a stable of the backpage with the Network. Net: You bet! That’s where all the horseNUTT is. Students need the network and crossword just to make it through class on a daily basis. However, newcomers like Dr.Date are needed like we need tits on a bull. They come and go whilst always sucking. It’s time for Dr.Date to Go. Either give real advice and be sincere, or give horrible advice and be funny. This pretenting to be serious and then not being funny for NUTT, sucks. Yeah take that gammar and shove it. At least Savage Love was a good read. NUTT I havn’t seen anything as lame since Nate’s Caseous cartoon. LAME.. Net: Are you sure you don’t mean ‘halt’ or ‘deaf’?

From Homestar for TheGopherWeb

Sooooo, The Net, did you guys go to TheGopherWeb.com last night? Yeah? No? You missed a good one man, missed a good one. They were kicking people off left and rightÖ and like, some people got kicked on, andÖ uhÖ I mean it was ñ you should have gone there, definitely should have gone there ñ should have gone there. I mean, they’ll be talking about this one for a while. I mean, I’m gonna be talking about this one for a while.

Oh, cool, I guess you’re going to go check it out nowÖ oh alright man, laterÖ cool. Net: Guess you can never get rid of that ol’ office drone. Problematic.

From elpha

Hey Net! I was reading the opinion page column by the conservative shock rocker who writes for the daily this year (proving once and for all that republicans can be hip and edgy too.) When I got done reading I was pretty steamed, angry to see my personal beliefs so slandered. With the bile rising in my throat I prepared to dash off a snappy reply… but something stopped me. I looked at the picture of the author and couldn’t be angry, I wanted to reach out and help this young man get a better haircut. I guess like GW himself I’m too compassionate for my own good. Net: Yeah, what’s up with that? Did he let Mary Kiffmeyer go crazy with a pair of clippers? Or is he secretly a Jesse fan, and this is his attempt to emulate his hero’s bizarre coiffures?