CONDEMNATION
From Yngwie: Jesus Christ, Net, why bemoan the lack of response from Rollerdiva‘s stupid entry? Net: It’s called “sensationalism,” and we embrace it wholeheartedly. Methinks she is a repressed Catholic of the Mary Catherine Gallagher stripe, who is trying to make a name for herself by ranting about being a c%@ksucker. Net: It worked for Jeanna Fine, did it not? Like she is the only woman Net: Sexist! on this campus who sucks dick. Lots of people like their meat injections taken orally instead of the good old vaginal method. Net: We prefer bratwurst. Oh, wait … we thought you said “meat rejections.” And this Tasty Young Buck is beyond pathetic. What a c&*t! That motherf&@ker probably has never f&@ked a person in his life. Net: Which makes us wonder where his mother comes in. I can see it now: Institute of Technology student, bespectacled, wondering if he will ever meet the woman of his dreams to screw while he wanks off in the basement of Smith Hall reading from the Sears lingerie catalog. Nobody gives a s##!t about your love of fellatio, Rollerdiva. Net: Yeah, what he said! Piss off and go elsewhere, Tasty Young Buck. Net: You heard him! Quit trying to shock us as if we were all 13 years old, Net. Net: Yeah! … umm, we mean … oh, never mind. Now, if you really want to provide a public service, set up a meeting between this whore and her young admirer so we can watch as she tongues a tree, erotically fondling her t!ts. Net: Then we really would become a dating service … or would it be fellating service?
And now that I’ve got all seven of George Carlin’s words that you can’t say on TV in here (a philosophical question: can you say them in Network?) Net: A philosophical answer: You just did. I’m off. A parting thought for all in Networkia: Is the fact that the Packers always lose when their game starts after happy hour a coincidence? I doubt it.
CONTEMPLATION
From ThatChickToYourLeft: I must first say I am truly glad that Network has stopped sounding like the minutes from a Dungeons and Dragons meeting. Net: Yeah, we started reading Swank instead. Not that I enjoy reading entries that only have the word “suck” as it’s only adjective, but it is better than some pedantic, tautological crap about Obsequians and King T. Net: How amazing it is that one knows the meaning of pedantic but can’t tell the difference between an adjective and a verb, which is the part of speech that “suck” falls under. BTW, we heard a certain Minister was back in our midst. Where, oh, where could he be? RollerDiva could learn that it is more exciting and sexy if you don’t talk about it. Net: Agreed. Naked charades is much more effective. Sluts are only appealing for a week. Net: Then how do you explain the one-night stand? We really don’t care what she thinks about herself. Compliments should come from others, not yourself. Have you noticed that most entries discuss how “cool” they or their majors are and how “sucky” Net: Now that is an adjective the others are? I am all for pride and self-confidence, but that sophomoric logic fails to convince anyone. Net: We know you are, but what are we? We are all a bunch of idiots — not just ITers or CLAers, jocks, Net: >, freshpeople. All of us. If you fail to realize that you, too, are a moron, you can’t really justify calling anyone else one. Stop being so predictable; it’s tiresome.
CONGRATULATION
From BandAid: Did you know the new computer at the financial aid office can process up to nine promissory notes per day?!?!
Net: Maybe it’s all the stuff we learned in freshpeople comp, or maybe it’s our short attention span, or maybe it’s our lingering problems with intimacy, but there’s just something about quick-and-easy, to-the-point, in-yo-face logic that grabs us like an ass on the subway.
CONSIDERATION
From Beefcan: Hey fellow Networkians … I would like to extend my thanks to the Network. Here’s why: Monday started out to be a really crappy day. I forgot my assignment in one class and got thoroughly confused by my calculus professor just four hours before my calculus test. I had to leave campus, come back, and I ended up plugging quarters into a parking meter Net: Your day wasn’t so bad. You were lucky enough to secure one of the 17 meters on campus. to take my test (I commute). While I was waiting for the test to begin, I glanced over on the table next to me and there was the front/back page of the Daily. Net: Some would say the front/back page is the only part worth keeping around, and we would say that means we need a raise. I picked it up, and sure enough, it was Monday’s edition. Net: Wow. You found a copy of Monday’s Daily on a Monday? Are you sleeping with an editor? I read Network, and it made my day. Needless to say, the test was a piece of cake. Net: Many readers fail to realize the therapeutic powers of Network, and even fewer know we hide the master key to midterms within the text. I realized that I never read Network until that morning, thus creating a chain of horrible events. Moral of the story: Read Network EVERY morning. Not reading it is like walking under a ladder while holding a black cat on Friday the 13th.
CONSUMMATION
From eBola: I’m writing in response to Oak‘s enlightening entry. I want to explain something to him. The Daily is a NEWSpaper, not a comic book. Net: Was that a compliment? Stop the presses! Someone complimented the Daily!! Apparently we are dealing with a true, world scholar here who chooses his newspaper based on comics. Here is an idea for everyone who is concerned with the comics: Get a comic book! Every day you can read one page and laugh yourself silly. Net: Call us crazy, but every time Garfield downs a pan of lasagna, we giggle like a pot-smokin’ Pillsbury Doughboy. This way everybody can get the comics they personally like and will hopefully stop sending letters to Network. Net: Are you trying to get us fired? One thing was gained from his letter, though; we have found the person who actually likes Doonesbury. Next up, the search for the person who enjoys Steve Roper and Mike Nomad … .
