Net: We thought sum…

Net: We thought summer was a time of happiness, strolling through the University campus smoking cigarette after cigarette and tossing them everywhere. We thought people enjoyed their summer jobs. We thought people enjoyed life more in the summer.
We thought.
OFFICE PERV
From Tiggs: Well, I have returned. Net: We didn’t miss ya. I became a regular last summer session and the world needs me yet again. No classes for me this summer, so I have lots of time to attempt to write cool entries. I’m a little out of practice, so it might take me awhile to get back up to speed. Writing in will be a good way for me to look busy at work.
It’s either that or Internet port, Net: Ah, yes. Good ol’ Internet port, a harbor to many a landlubber and I’ve already been caught once this week. Maybe I should take up something people don’t find as offensive, like computer solitaire. Net: What the hell is your point? Anyway, the point I’m trying to make, and not really succeeding, is that work sucks. Net: Two immutable laws of summer: You will find something to dislike about your job and eat a burned brat.
Ah, how I miss the carefree days of summer, but that is over. I graduated Net: Loser this spring. Here’s the really weird part. Net: We await with bated breath. I did it in four years. Net: *Ahem* Bite us.
Yes, that’s right. I have truly amazing Net: The rest of this letter has been edited for your and our pleasure. Send us a thank you; we need mail to fill Wednesday’s section.
Hey, this is America. Porn and alcohol are god-given rights. Net: See? We stopped at the good part. Hey, in Spain everyone goes home in the middle of the day and takes a nap. We should do something similar. Net: We’re sick of that argument. Not everything Spain does is golden. You don’t see real bulls chasing fat 50-year-olds down the streets of Madison — just imaginary ones. Every employer should institute a mandatory happy hour where highballs and beer are plentiful. Do you know how many work-related problems this would solve? Net: None, but it’s a wonderful pipe dream. Think about it. Net: No. Write your congressmen. Net: We already didn’t. Until then, I’ll be hiding quietly in my office with a bottle of tequila reminiscing about the carefree days of college. Net: And we’ll be at our desk swilling a Screaming Viking and reminiscing about Nasty McShasta.
TRASH PICKER
From Upset U Worker: Summer is a time for leisurely walks through the campus, enjoying the beautiful lawns, flowers and landscapes and professionally manicured hedges and trees. Net: Funny, we associate summer with watching baseball and walking around campus smoking huge amounts of cigarettes. Go on. Too bad that this is only possible because of the hard work of the University Landcare workers. Net: Nature would not exist without University Landcare workers. Check. The students and other passers-by need to really clean up their act and stop being such messy slophounds. I mean, really, is it so hard to pick up your own garbage and put it in a can? Net: OK, take it from us, Netizens, students are slobs. We may or may not have had some experience working on a grounds crew and know a little somethin’ about it. Plus, grounds crew workers get really cranky when they have to pick up trash barrels with sugary goo oozing out the bottom and tons of bees hovering about. Observe: It’s funny how we get to waste time we could be using to do something productive, like planting, and walk around with garbage pickers as onlookers stare at us like we are part of some prison work camp. Believe me, it’s pretty fun to pick up your (not you, Network) Net: We thought not. sloppy cigarette butts that you throw six inches away from the ashtrays. Net: Denote the sarcasm? We shouldabeenapsychologistlikemomtoldustobe. I also find it pretty amusing that people think it’s no big deal to litter. Not only do you idiots Net: Urge to kill rising. throw crap on the ground in plain view, but some of you even go to the trouble as to bury your trash inside bushes and in the flower beds. Real cool. Net: Rising. Really, thank you so much for making the University look like shit Net: Rising. so we can walk around after you like little slaves and pick up the cigarette-butt trails you leave behind you.
Also, yes, we drive the little green carts around and when we approach you on a sidewalk, yes, you are supposed to move aside a bit so we can pass you. Net: Fading. Unless of course you want us to drive on the grass and trash that, too. Thanks for being so considerate, students, etc.
We really appreciate your sloppiness. Net: Fading. Next time you see one of us, maybe you could realize that we work pretty hard to make sure the place you go to college isn’t a pigsty, trashed with the litter and crap that falls from your own hands. Net: Fading. Have a nice clean summer. Net: Gone.
RELAX, GIRL!
From Loosey: Net, dear, I’m pissed off! Net: Come sit by Papa Net and tell us all about it, sugar. Not only did I drag myself through anatomy and lab (with the lab TA who, as the semester went on, grew a beard that really made me want to jump him amid all the dead and decaying bodies … ), but now I check online and they don’t have my grade! Net: That’s all right, baby. Why don’t you just come over here and take off that little jacket and tell us all about it. Now, I’m pretty sure I got a D, but so what? I still want to know so I can enroll myself in GC anatomy. (GC is great! It’s so easy I can get four-credit A after four-credit A! ha ha ha …) ARGH, and there’s this huge fly buzzing around the office that is REALLY PISSING ME OFF! Net: That’s all right, honey bunny. Everyone gets a little mad sometimes. The boss says it’s a blow fly, because when they make nests in the dead bodies, they make it in the nostrils, hence the name. My boss says they love funeral homes. OK, even for me that was gross to hear so early in the morning. Net: It’s OK, everything’s alllllll right, girl. So I’m not getting my grade, all of my school friends are 1,200 miles away in the Midwest, I have a blow fly in my office, and I’m trying to get over an eBay addiction. Summer sucks. Net: But ya got us, Loosey. Ya got Net.