Yudof hypes new Jetpack Initiative

by Billy Pilgrim

To alleviate congestion on the construction-torn campus, University President Mark Yudof is pressing forward with his Jetpack Initiative, encouraging more students to outfit themselves with personal jetpacks.
Modeled after the device used by “The Jetsons,” the sci-fi jet-powered backpacks allow students to blithely bypass troublesome obstacles like the zoological-type cage currently enmeshing the Northrop Memorial Auditorium area.
“It’s a win-win idea,” Yudof said in an exclusive interview with the Daily World News. “Jet propulsion benefits humanity (humanities) and (Institute of Technology) students alike.”
If Yudof’s plan is fully implemented, students will fly established air corridors across and between the Minneapolis and St. Paul campuses.
One corridor would run from the Carlson School of Management over the Washington Avenue Bridge, then follow Pleasant Street to the Dinkydome, which would offer a fly-through window for hungry students on the fly.
Another corridor would run directly over the Northrop Mall area — even though some say downward-gawking commuters might cause mid-air collisions.
Others have expressed concern over possible regulation, which they say has no place in the New World Order. Republican legislators and conservative students propose setting aside left air-corridor lanes as free-for-all zones.
“This new gravity-defying laissez-faire realm will prove once and for all that the world does revolve around me,” said management senior Kenny Bunkport. “So get the hell out of my way over Northrop!”
But even he said there are problems after hearing of Sunday’s mid-air mishap over the Carlson School. Onlookers described the scene as gruesome.
“It looked like Abercrombie & Fitch exploded,” said one eyewitness. “The sky rained plaid.”
Students from the nearby Art Building were especially offended by what they called the “tasteless” debris that littered the ground afterward.
“Ick!” said art sophomore Sid Paisley. “If this is what jet propulsion and a new building will bring us, I’ll remain on terra firma amid the bird sh*t!”
Art students have petitioned for a new art building, saying the present “aviary” has long ago lost its Bohemian appeal. But Gov. Jesse Ventura has rejected funding for its construction.
Ventura has followed the Jetpack Initiative debate from the beginning. After initially praising Yudof’s plan as an opportunity for all to “jet-ski in the sky,” he has since sided with University anarchists, the Daily World News has learned.
“The University should expand the fenced areas to envelop the entire campus,” Ventura said. “I’d very much like to see a cage match with 37,000 students. Hoo-ah!”
Northwest Airlines and Boeing Co., in a self-described “small-business-like venture,” plan to build an additional 20,000 jetpacks.
The jetpacks will be offered as part of the student services fee, adding $5,000 per student per semester.
They will be available in a variety of colors, ranging from hot pink to blaze orange.

Billy Pilgrim, when not on the planet Tralfamadore, covers the Cultural War on earth.