In light of the recent news that some of you still outwardly care about improving your condition, and in recognizing that activism is a destructive force for today’s harmonious times, your friendly Establishment pauses from its rigorous schedule of pursuing your best interests to issue a list of helpful tips.
They are designed to help you, the average person, feel better about your lack of involvement in politics. They are intended to placate you, massage your brain and dull your sense of civic duty.
Why must we publish this necessary material? Because we are sincerely committed to bringing you the information you need to be the most useful citizen you can be. (And if there is one thing we need, it is usefulness in our citizenry.)
Now, sit back, relax, don’t think too hard and continue to allow us to permeate every level of your conscious and subconscious mind, with this …
Public Service Announcement
ù Believe anything you see or hear that is in some kind of official-looking format, like CNN or Penthouse.
ù If you hear the same thing from at least three different people, it must be true or least worth looking into, even if your logical mind completely rejects it. This goes double if you hear it from a friend, because your friends’ opinions are better thought out than some other person’s friends’ opinions. This goes triple if you heard it from some official-looking source like CNN or Penthouse.
ù Don’t be fooled into thinking you’re susceptible to propaganda; you’re above all that.
ù Positive change happens naturally, so don’t even waste your time.
ù Fear and avoid change. Your current position is the best one you could be in.
ù America is free of poverty, government cruelty and all other things found in places like Russia and Africa.
ù Everybody knows America is the best thing to roll through since the wheel.
ù One of the two reigning parties holds the formula for the perfect government. Which one is it? And why won’t the other one step out of the way so we can have the perfect government?
ù Ignorance is a great excuse for not voting.
ù Demand the truth only if it offends nobody.
ù Standing up for what you believe in is usually rude and probably unnecessary, because you have a government to do it for you.
ù Extreme viewpoints are the brainchildren of maniacs and zealots who shouldn’t be allowed to corrupt the status quo by participating in politics.
ù Be ashamed to be noticed.
ù One person’s voice never carries weight, while the voice of the masses is usually wise.
ù Don’t push the issue. You’ll only stir up trouble, and you don’t want any trouble, do ya? Cuz we could give ya trouble, ya know.
ù Everything you need to know is printed in the newspaper.
ù The status quo is the result of many millenniums of the reign of philosophers, military leaders, politicians and religious officials who all have your best interests in mind.
ù The meek shall inherit the earth.
ù The world is good enough.
ù Only people like the president have any power to make decisions that will affect large numbers of people. There is nothing to the theory that a regular individual can make improvements to society.
This message has been brought to you by a nameless coalition, which attempts to pacify the masses toward the Establishment’s actions. It has received many awards for its public service efforts, including the prestigious “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Do Anything Whatsoever Award” for quelling dangerous revolutions.
Without your valued contributions, we wouldn’t be able to keep delivering these crucial messages. Please give, and have a blissfully ignorant day.
Will Conley is a University sophomore and a Daily staff reporter. He welcomes comments to [email protected].