More news from the front: While NITWIT special forces are reeling from unexpected crushing defeat, Obsequian operatives are preparing for a preliminary visit from King T himself. While fiercely ensconced in cryptographic imposture, NITWIT has discovered the location of several Obsequian hideouts; we will disclose these as it becomes prudent to do so. Confidential to Citizen: The Witch’s Tower has been cleared of all influence. Onward with Objective A.
BUMMED IS WHAT YOU ARE
From The Feyerman: I’d like to garner everyone’s attention to a paragon of constructive service to our community: towing companies. Net: To protect the precious parking of the privileged. God bless the cause. Don’t get me wrong, I like to park without coming back to find my car missing as much as anyone else, but there’s nothing more enjoyable than retrieving your auto at 3 a.m. on Sunday from Compton Towing Service. Even more invigorating is the care that they took in their intriguing, somehow legal, means of extortion. Net: Wethinks missing teeth somehow grants the authority to extort. I was pleased to wake up on Sunday morning to find a concavity that must’ve been created by nothing less than an overseas steamer on the passenger side of my car. In addition, when I ventured back into Compton to congratulate Al — the 10-foot-ass-cracked, spitoon-wielding manager — on his bang-up job, I was overcome with even more pleasure as he explained to me that they didn’t cause the damage to my car. It had always been there, I just didn’t notice it until now! Golly, did I feel stupid! Thanks towing company!!! I am now pursuing a career in taking people’s s##!+ and then making them pay to get it back. Net: God speed, Repo-Man.
BE VEWWY, VEWWY QUIET
From Crackbunnie (formerly Crackbunny): BLODDY HELL and WTF and all that! I come bouncing onto campus one sunshiney day and pick up a good ‘ol copy of the Daily to chew over (I don’t know where to find fresh carrots on campus). Net: By all accounts, UDS carrots aren’t the ticket.
Oh look … it’s got one of those leaflets. How cute. It’s got a fetus on it. Beautiful. I just wanted to look at someone’s innards this morning. I’m thinking it’s got to be another one of those Animal Liberation Front things. (I never heard if they liberated those poor animals from the Bell Museum yet … what, are they JUDGING who gets to be free? Judging who gets to have a choice? (Hint: Don’t stuffed animals have the same rights as living ones? You hypocrites).
Nope. It’s a pro-lifer thing. How nice. Crackbunnie‘s gotta go have another litter of babes now. That’s 117 this year so far. Thank the rodent gods there aren’t abortions for us bunnies, because then there would never be enough of us to compete against the University squirrels at our annual spring barbecue. Pretty soon we’ll take over the girls’ dorms (better yet, the boys’ dorms. We rabbits have an aversion to beauty products). Oh yeah … and down with the Moleman! There’s only room enough for one large rodent on campus, and that’s me, bucko. Net: You’re forgetting one particularly famous, large rodent that’s been on this campus for quite awhile, Crackbunnie … happy, buck-toothed … rhymes with “Moldy Loafer.” Think about it.
THE LAST ALF LETTER
Net: We apologize for milking the ALF letters for nearly three weeks; hey, we don’t write this stuff. But we promise this is the last — it seems Disgruntled has the last relevant point all wrapped up and tidy.
From Disgruntled Surgery Worker: This is for all of the ignorant members of ALF and SOAR. All you have done is frustrate a lot of people. The studies have to be completely redone, so I hope you can sleep well, you fools, knowing that now twice as many animals will be involved in the research. The animals that were “freed” in your haste are now suffering a great deal, as they have no means of obtaining food or medicine for their ailments. You and your families should carry around identification cards saying “If anything should ever happen to me, please let me rot and die, because I will have no part in ANYTHING done in a hospital: No drugs, surgeries, or other general treatments.” For those who didn’t know, EVERYTHING done in a hospital has been tested thousands of times on animals. And for those of you who think the people performing these studies are cruel, heartless monsters, I assure you they’re all animal lovers. And unlike you, they know how to care for the animals far better than ALF members who set them free to die. I work for the surgery department and have known people involved in RAR for more than five years. You will never meet a group of people with more pets, and more love and respect for animals than these. Have you ever been inside the labs? The animals are treated humanely. If you want to save animals from cruel and unusual punishment, you’re looking in the wrong place. You should save animals from a puppy mill or torch the Oscar Mayer plant. Quit lying to the uninformed about the goings-on in these research labs. Of course no one wants to hurt animals, but if you had to choose between a rat dying or watching your grandmother slowly and painfully enter dementia as a result of Alzheimer’s, which would you choose? Have you ever taken a Tylenol or aspirin for a headache? Have you ever gotten stitches? Well, you hypocrite, look at what you’re doing. You’re saying that animal research in the past was OK because it reared benefits for you, but NOW they should stop, since they’re so close to finding cures for cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, etc … I have one other little tidbit of info for you: Keep protesting. Thanks to animal research, you’ll be able to do it for 20.8 years longer. Think about that at your next vigil.
