After weeks of intense party busting, ticket issuing and liquor taking-awaying, the efforts of the Minneapolis and University police departments through Operation NightCAP have paid off. In what I have been officially calling “a flawless execution of police intimidation,” students all over campus have surrendered by collectively stopping alcohol usage.

Never again will underage consumption or drinking parties terrorize the University. Never again will there be, in the words of Minneapolis police Lt. Jeff Rugel, “couches burning in the middle of the street.”

One would think with increased tensions between partiers and police officers, another riot would be imminent, but in fact the general attitude seems to be that drinking is inherently evil and wrong. Consequently, we are now living on a dry campus. We should thank the local police from the bottom of our booze-tainted hearts. It is cause to celebrate, and what better way to do that than sit around completely sober?

The best part of this whole scenario is that police won’t have to patrol the campus anymore because the origin of every illegal act is drinking, including jaywalking. Stupid jaywalking drunks! Operation NightCAP is putting everyone back on the right path: crosswalks.

I only have regrets for the local bars, which will have to be closed due to lack of interest. Alas, I’m sure that with the help of this new alcohol crackdown, the staff at these immoral establishments will concur with law enforcement. The police are just that persuasive, folks.

Well, I’m looking forward to turning over this new leaf. It is a leaf of understanding, accord and gut-wrenching sobriety. For once, students like me might go to class, or at least remember doing so. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Go police!” Keep up the enormously effective work!

Matthew Koehler’s column appears every other Monday. He welcomes comments at [email protected]