Net: As we enter th…

Net: As we enter this short holiday weekend, we’d like to thank everyone who has made Network what it is — the leading voice of the University community. Thank you for helping to create the synergistic greatness that is us. Yes, as we look with wonder upon ourselves, we cannot help but be thankful — not just for us, but for U. So hasta la victoria siempre and have a nice day. On to our grab bag of mail.

A PLOT BEHIND EVERY DOOR

The Peewee scandal still resonates in the hearts and minds of our ever-vigilant readers. Here’s today’s allusion.
From Dankette: Speaking of plagiarism, what did you guys think of Mr. Gnu in Thursday’s A&E? Seems the author couldn’t think of any more lame-ass cartoons, so he decided to rip off the Family Circus “Not me” idea. Very weak, if you ask me. Can’t we ban this cartoon for a year like you did for Peewee? Net: Well, our formidable powers, unfortunately, do not extend hallowed halls of Backtalk. A&E is beyond our control. But, in a symbolic gesture, we hereby ban Mr. Gnu for one year, retroactive to November 26, 1997. There — we retain our integrity. Don’t you wish Iraq were this easy?

ANONYMITY PREFERRED

From The Alcohol Guy: I am in need of assistance. Net: That will be number 3,567. Please wait patiently. Does anyone know of any Alcoholics Anonymous groups that meet either on campus or near the University? I am specifically interested in groups that would be student-friendly. If you are aware of any please send a message to Network with the time and location. Net: Got it. Perhaps Network, being the good community members that they are, would be willing to allow you to send your response to Network so they can be shared with everyone. Net: Sounds like a good public-servicy thing to do. Why not? Anonymity guaranteed.

SHAPE UP!

From Elbow: I need your help Network! Net: Uh-oh. I was sitting in class today thinking, ‘Ya know, I’m never going to get a girlfriend unless I get in shape.’ Net: Not true. Money can be very helpful. I used to run every night back in high school, but then came college. Net: Right. No more militia type chasing you on their tractors anymore. I would do it now, but I need other people to motivate me. Net: We’re sorry to hear that. As you well know, change can only come from within. Or else from a really good job offer. Otherwise I think, ‘Hmmmm … freeze my ass off in 30-below weather, or stay inside in front of the TV?’ And the TV wins, it always wins.
So if there is anyone out there who wants someone to run with around the University, mail me at [email protected] And with that … good night. Net: Wait a minute! We haven’t even finished our coffee yet! Here’s more mail. Continuing our theme, we have …

TOO MUCH TV

From Stephen: Hey! The next time the TV’s on, take a gander at the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Isn’t he awfully quick and jumpy? I mean, besides Richard Simmons and the occasional crack addict, who else have you seen like that? Is this sending a subtle message to children? Is Pillsbury trying to encourage drug use, or worse, a larger cult following for the world’s ugliest Chia Pet? Come on! Let’s have some responsibility here!
On another note, can someone please, please tell me why people around the University are STILL WEARING SHORTS!?? Maybe I’m missing something, but last time I checked it was damn cold out. Net: True — but coldA SQUIRREL LETTER!!!

is relative, and some would say only a state of mind. Judge not, lest ye be judged — we might have to sic the Dough Boy on you (childish giggle … poke on stomach … carry on).
And as we continue to clear out our mailbox, we have … drum roll please ….

From Sam Wenker: First, I want to start by declaring that I will NOT be inflating your heads any more than they already are, and will continue this sentence by telling you people at Network that you are gods and that anyone even remotely involved with the creation of Network is at least a demigod. Net: Well, thanks — uh, happy Thanksgiving.
Now that I have that out of the way, down to serious business (yeah, right). I just want to ask why the idiots on bicycles insist on riding across the western bridge crossing Washington Avenue, even though there are signs clearly posted that say, “Walk bikes across bridge,” or something to that effect.
I’m concerned that I will be run over while crossing this bridge.
To conclude, the squirrels on campus are amassing their armies Net: Weird thought juxtapositions. But you called us gods, so we’ll let it go and are going to break into everyone’s dorm rooms/apartments and cover all the dressers with marmalade except mine.
Why not mine, you ask? I bought it at a secondhand store and asked them to paint it when I got it. They said, “We’ll do it in a Jiff,” and promptly covered it with peanut butter.
Everyone knows that peanut butter and marmalade don’t go together, so I’m safe (or am I?). Net: We’re not sure. Maybe you should stick to turkey. And once again, to all our readers our there, even the vegans, happy turkey day. May your trips be safe and full of love. And if you’re sticking around, just know that we are too — and we’re thinking of you. Peace out.