Woog’s golfing embarrasses U

by Aaron Kirscht

After the Gophers men’s hockey team suffered a sub-par season, coach Doug Woog headed into the off-season hoping his golf game might not do the same.
He was wrong.
Woog the golfer continues to wallow in mediocrity — totally unable to break 90 — but he insists this has nothing to do with his ability to coach the Gophers.
“I’m totally unable to break 90,” Woog said. “But I insist this has nothing to do with my ability to coach the Gophers.”
However, Woog admitted that he has been playing golf longer than he has been coaching the Gophers, leading some to believe his stagnant growth in one game might bleed over into another.
Associate head coach Mike Guentzel, who routinely pummels Woog in their matches, said Woog is lying to himself if he thinks he’s going to improve anytime soon. Guentzel said Woog lacks his youthful vigor on the course, which often leads to embarrassing scores for the 13-year Gophers coach.
“He couldn’t find his rear end with two hands and a map,” Guentzel said. “Why doesn’t he just give up?”
Woog’s temperament on the course has become a problem in recent weeks, according to University Golf Course superintendent Alan Pooch. On several occasions during an April 31 round, Pooch said, Woog buried his clubhead in the ground after an errant tee shot. After trying and failing to make a nearly impossible shot in a futile attempt to somehow make up for his previous poor shots, Woog wrapped the innocent mud-covered club around a nearby tree.
Pooch said an incensed Woog approached him after one of these outbursts and said, “If you think this has anything to do with my ability to coach the Gophers men’s hockey team, you’re wrong. If I just play four hours and 20 minutes of solid Golden Gopher golf, I know I can beat this course.”
Woog then turned around and kicked his golf bag square in the sack that holds his balls.
Men’s athletics director Mark Dienhart said there is no clause in Woog’s renewable one-year contract calling for a minimum golf score that Woog must shoot in order to remain behind the bench.
“But if there was,” Dienhart said, “he’d be out of here. It’s our policy to preach piety and perseverance, and it’s perfectly clear that Woog’s passion, while powerful, may be pernicious.”
But golf has long been heralded as a character-building sport, leading some to suggest that Woog’s deficiencies in the game have led to shortcomings in his personality.
For example, unidentified witnesses reported that Woog once carded a quintuple-bogey eight at the 163-yard, par-3 second hole at the University course, twice chunking his ball into the pond that lies short of the green and then hitting a comically weak approach into the sand. As he walked to the next tee, Woog was believed to have uttered something that sounded like a series of curse words.
“I don’t think he was planning on plucking potholes in the pit, I’ll say that much,” said one onlooker, who asked that his name be withheld because he is a senior defenseman from Roseville.
— A vivid imagination was used in compiling this report.