With the possible exceptions of Sean Penn, Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe and Noam Chomsky, there is no Westerner who is in more desperate need of a padded, square cell and nice men in white suits than French President Jacques Chirac. To paraphrase Dennis Miller, I would call Chirac a scumbag, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum.

If the Darwin Awards gave an accolade for suicide by geopolitical idiocy, Chirac would be in line for a lifetime achievement prize. As it goes with appeasers, the French policy toward dictatorial monsters has become one of shoe shining, common “understanding” and clemency.

Then again, I suppose this has always been the standard French policy, from the pacification strategy of Pierre Laval in the 1930s to the pacification strategy of French Interior Minister Dominique de Villepin in 2002 to the pacification strategy of quondam Communist Chirac in 2005.

Well, the 1930s strategy didn’t turn out to be very effective. And the 2002 strategy – the ancestor of the current European approach of sabotaging U.S. efforts in Iraq – certainly didn’t work.

So now, learning precisely nothing from world history, Chirac is stumbling over three new appeasement policies. The aptly nicknamed “Super Liar” Chirac, who refuses to call Lebanon-based fanatics in Hezbollah “terrorists,” is ready to terminate a 15-year arms embargo on China and is still snuffling about the death of Yasser Arafat.

For the record, this happens to be the same Hezbollah that is responsible for the deaths of 300 U.S. citizens and is still longing, according to one of Hezbollah’s generals, for “death to America.”

Just recently, the Palestinian Authority condemned Hezbollah for attempting to derail the Middle East peace process that is now zooming ahead thanks to the loss of terrorist Nobel Peace Prize winner Arafat.

What’s more, fresh from shaking the hand of a gratuitously magnanimous President George W. Bush, Chirac announced his aspiration to start selling weapons to the Chinese. Again, this happens to be the same Chinese government that is responsible for the deaths of millions of Tibetans, Burmese and Chinese.

The arms embargo the French and other European governments are about to drop was created in response to China’s slaughter of pro-democracy activists in Tiananmen Square and the country’s notorious human rights policy.

And according to U.S. government reports, China’s human rights record has not improved since, and might even be worse than, the late 1980s.

If you look it up, you’ll also find that China is a big-time supplier of military equipment to the wonderfully tyrannical, diabolical and decidedly insane regime in Burma.

While Burma’s National League for Democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi suffers from a lack of medical attention under house arrest in Rangoon, Burma, the French are planning on selling weapons to the Chinese so the Chinese can sell old weapons to the Burmese Military Junta.

Buying off dictators, selling out allies and abetting blood-thirsty terrorists – it sounds like Chirac deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

Merely to match Pepe le Pew’s rancid duplicity, Bush would have to refuse to condemn homicide bombings in Iraq, sell a fleet of helicopters and a few tons of Sarin gas to Cuba and Vietnam, and pay public homage to former Burmese dictator Ne Win by calling him “a man of courage and conviction.”

Call me partisan, but if Bush were hosting Ayman al-Zawahiri and Ali Atwa to warm baths and halal pudding, I imagine even Z Magazine readers would be a little disillusioned.

At this point, the best thing we can all do is keep telling French jokes, charge celebrities to cancel their vacation plans in the French Riviera and advise Bush not to fold to liberal whining about multilateralism.

Yes, it’s important that we not want to remain civil smelly “allies,” but it’s equally important we maintain our integrity in the face of bogus environmental treaties, U.N. scandals and shameless international pandering to noxious swine.

Mr. President, it’s time to blow Chirac a kiss, throw him a baguette and say “au revoir.”

Darren Bernard welcomes comments at [email protected].