Net: We begin our day with wise words from the proletariat:
THE JANITOR’S MANIFESTO
From The Humble Janitor: As a lowly student janitor at the U, I thought I’d clear up some misconceptions about the lovely world of the custodian:
1. You know that silly little sign in front of the bathroom that says RESTROOM CLOSED! NO ENTRY! Just ignore it. What it really means is: I’d be honored and delighted to have you defecate all over my half-cleaned toilets.
2. I beg you, distinguished students, staff and faculty, to ignore those inconsequential little picture things with our names on them. Rather than my name, I’d much rather be called something along the lines of janitor, broom-pusher, mop boy or garbage man. My favorites are jizz-mopper and pot-licker.
3. Sometimes I notice that students and staff are a little hesitant to talk to janitors. Thank goodness. We janitors are merely humble servants, whose sole purpose in life is to dutifully clean up the royalty’s blessed feces and urine. If you are cruel enough to actually strike up a conversation with a pot-licker Net: Without fear of jeopardizing your caste — wipe those dots off your forehead, kids use real small words. Not many of us have graduated high school, and most can’t read or write. Though I am technically a student-janitor, I am just taking classes to perpetuate my blissful life as a custodian.
4. Don’t worry about looking at your janitor as a feeble-minded dullard. We accept this role gladly! In fact, I don’t even get paid. Just working near such distinguished faculty and astute pupils at this wonderful institution of higher learning is more than enough for me. In fact, my dad was telling me that some janitors actually get paid. Who says you can’t have it all? Anyway, I love my job. I hope to use my experience at the U as a springboard to a career in toilet cleaning, or maybe even ditch-digging. Net: Hey — we’d all chip in. But it looks like the chip on your shoulder is big enough.
Well Net, that about covers it. Thank you for your time. Net: Not a problem. But it seems you’ve been staring at the floor too long. Lighten up! We’re not all jerks here at the U — right?

SPORTS TIPS
From Screech, The Spend-Thrift: Hey Gored Tipper, I can understand your plight. However, as a statistician, I have found out why Minnesotans tip less than Wisconsinites.
Looking at the numbers, it is obvious that the size of one’s tip is directly proportional to the amount of money spent on professional sports teams in one’s state. Just look at the numbers: People in Wisconsin pay huge amounts of money to attend Packer games, even when the Pack is losing consistently and it’s 30-below outside. They also buy every item of Packer paraphernalia ever made. Compare that to Minnesota, where one pro team has moved, one team nearly moved and one is threatening to move — all in the last 6 years, all due to losing revenue. Net: That’s because Minnesotans have taste. And, if anyone remembers a couple years back, the Vikings couldn’t even sell out a PLAYOFF game.
Just remember — don’t expect tips from people who have a history of not financially supporting sports teams. It’s that simple.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From Stephanie: I was wondering if you could help me with a problem. Net: Yes, we are single. Sometime on Tuesday morning, March 31, I lost my keys. There are three keys hooked on to a leather U Card holder with my U Card inside. There is also a little plastic University of Minnesota keychain attached to all this, engraved with the words “A True Gem.” Net: Wow. We bet that if you don’t find your card holder, the Alumni Association would be happy to fund a replacement.
However, although I lost them a couple of days ago, they have already been found. You see, some good soul turned them in to some building somewhere, and the front desk of this building called me and told my roommate that I could come pick up the keys there. Unfortunately my roommate took a poor message: I don’t know what front desk of which building they are turned in to. Net: Ah-ha! Deskers, take note.
So, to make a long, screwed-up story short (too late for that), someone out there turned in my keys to some building and someone in that building called me and told me that I could pick up my keys. However, I don’t know where. Net: Guess it’s fingers-do-the-walking time.
So please, if anyone has any information out there, it would be greatly appreciated. Network, if you could print this, you would be a lifesaver. Net: Only if we’re peppermint. I would have to pay more than $60 to replace those keys and my U card. Net: But it’d teach you a lesson, wouldn’t it? There is a reward for any information that leads to the return of my keys. Net: And we’ll be demanding our cut. C’mon, folks — help out your gopher in need.

LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES
From Gut: I think Network would be strong proof, in an empirical way, about the lack of validity of a Grand Unification Theory. Net: Au contraire, mon fräre. Unification is what we’re all about. We bring together the campus in all its anger, its joy, its concern for its members. And then we skewer everyone equally. It’s quite beautiful to behold, in our opinions. I’m a longtime reader of Network Net: Have you gone to Boynton for this? There are support groups, you know and there seem to be a lot of goofy people with goofy ideas out there with their little brains that have randomly firing synapses. I think the Daily risks a chain reaction by the unholy and unnatural act of placing so many of these reader letters in such close proximity to one another.
In closing, I’d like to ask Network readers if there are any other Frank Sinatra fans out there. Net: We’re not sure — but we’ve got HIGH HOPES!!! We’ve got — HIGH HOPES … Have a good day. Net: And there goes another rubber-tree plant. La da da da da. Doo doo doo doo. And a good good day to you.