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Editorial Cartoon: Peace in Gaza
Editorial Cartoon: Peace in Gaza
Published April 19, 2024

Net: There’s no q…


Net: There’s no question about it: Most of you neglected your Network over the break. And so we go into the new millennium — and the funkified new Network design — with letters reflecting on days past. Yar.
EL PASO TEXAS DREAMIN’ (ON SUCH A WINTER’S DAY)
From Peewee-foam cowboy hat guy number 2 on Kare 11 @ 10: So I am at the Sun Bowl pep rally with the Football and Stumpy the Alumni, biting back the urge to spew last night’s Coors Light and Pinto Beans Net: Things not to do in the new year: Go to pep rally with Peewee. all over an elderly couple in matching his/hers Oregon alumni sweatshirts, which were way too warm for the occasion. The Football and I were pissed off because the “Oak ey” sunglasses we had purchased earlier in Mexico for a can of Spam and a handful of Holiday Inn pillow mints, Net: That’s not nice. turned out to be nothing more than cheap ripoffs which fell apart the first time one of us got socked in the face by a flutist who didn’t feel up to playing my version of “Hail to the Chief.” NET: Ha ha ha … we don’t get it. Stumpy did not seem too upset, mostly because he was still trying to get over a severe bout of diarrhea, resulting from a midnight dip in the Rio Grande the previous night, after several Dos Equis and encouragement from a local woman with only four teeth and a parrot. Net: Mom? Anyway, we were still 24 hours away from our humiliating defeat at the hands of the game officials Net: “We?” Are you on the team? Apparently, Billy Cockerham is an avid reader
10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SCHOOL
and spirits were high (amongst other things). It was at this point, as I looked around at people to my left and right, that I realized the few Oregon fans who actually were able to get the nursing home’s permission to leave the state were quite possibly the UGLIEST people I had ever seen in my life Net: Grandma and Grandpa? (and I have lived in North St. Paul so this statement is not to be taken lightly). Needless to say, fellow Networkians, we may have lost the great bowl game, but we can take comfort in the fact that we are not as deformed as those Kafka rejects that Oregon has spawned. Net: A moral A CYMBAL OF OUR LOVE
victory is still a victory. Or not. A small victory Net: Mighty small. to be sure, but hey, Peewee will take what he can get.

From Dirty Dawg:
Oh most groovy Network, Minister of Concurrence: Yes? thou art most rad. I’ve been bothered by folks (I forget who exactly) badmouthing the baton twirler girl, saying her routine is weak, but all anyone must do to resolve this issue is a little better choreography. Imagine this performance: The baton twirler throws her baton way up in the air and lets it fall Net: STOP! You’re killing us! The baton goes up and it falls on the ground. Net: HILARIOUS. Oh, there’s more and then she bends way over to pick it up, and she’d have to wear just a thong or something, and while waiting for halftime, she could sit on her baton and twirl herself around and then do a handstand and then do the splits. Net: We waited for this to get funny, but to no avail. Actually, we once knew a girl that did all that stuff … but enough about us. Now for a pissed-off response from some guy.
To Pretty Boy from Mr. Sparkle: Let me tell you something. It doesn’t take a bando or a homo to think the cymbals guy’s antics are funny. Our entire section is practically pissing ourselves (in “T” formations of course because of the lighting) Net: Notice that Pretty Boy never mentioned why his section is pissing itself. Two words for ya — adult diapers. His prancing around and silly hats provide entertainment for everyone. Net: This sounds like a movie review. Is it the must-see hit of the summer? My second question Net: No, you’re not dumb, this is actually his first question involves the fact that you didn’t give him your seat number and you let someone else take the ransom money. That just shows how much of a sissy you are. Net: Are we stupid or did he again fail to ask a question? To Happy Gopher: Cymbals guys have feelings too. If I knew that 15,000+ people were laughing at me, I’d take a seat too. That guy is the funniest thing in Williams since Miles Tarver’s attempts at lay-ups Net: Or that time Pretty Boy’s section pissed itself. That was pretty funny too. So, if you read this, Cymbals Guy, please resume your antics because it doesn’t take a bando or a homo to know your ridiculous actions are the real reason Williams Arena sells out.
Finally, I would just like to pat myself on the back because Net: Allow us to hit the fast-forward button so you don’t have to read this self-indulgent tripe. ZZZPPPP. managing a Kwik Trip naked. Net: Nope, he’s still going. Hang on. ZZZPPPP. Network, you have provided me with much material to read instead of listening in class and for this, I thank you.

Net: Phew, took our fingers off the fast-forward just in time for a little Network congratulating. That’s all for our Y2K new Daily. We made a new year’s oath. No more arguments about band members or (worse) cheerleaders. But we can’t do it without you (enter Sally Struthers). We need your entries to make Network run. So send us your funny antics from New Year’s or your not-so-funny rants about (expletive deleted)s. Thank you for your support.

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