Net: For years we wondered exactly what the hell a “Hoosier” is supposed to be. The dictionary was of little help, telling us only that it is a nickname for an Indiana resident. But our old buddy, Hoosier Joe, at last relayed to us what his grandpappy, Hoosier Bob, told him long ago. “Yuh see, we reckon Hooshur comes from that first pah-neer a-ways back who cross innuh In-dana an’ say, ‘Who’s here? Who’s here?’ Then he settle hisself down ‘n haddanap.”
And now you know … the rest of the story … and also why we’ve always been a little afraid of Hoosier Joe.
COMPUTER LOVE
From Chudo: Hello, Net, the computer enthusiast Chudo here, with an interesting fact about the registration system and how you could exploit it. Net: Can’t you help us exploit something that we want to exploit, like, say, parking permits? As everyone knows, registering for classes here requires an e-mail username and password. Well here’s the flaw: Every time anyone checks his or her e-mail, the username and password are sent over the network in plain text. Net: We feel so … cheated. Learning the asterisks don’t mean anything reminds us of the time we stayed up all night to see the Great Pumpkin, only to learn the fateful truth. Three weeks later, we still haven’t recovered. All it takes is a simple packet sniffer Net: Duh? to uncover the unlucky sucker’s info. Then you, the malicious user, can drop their class and pick it up for yourself. Net: Closed circuit to the University computer fuzz: We don’t know who this guy is, so don’t even ask.
I’m very angry at the people who designed the registration system. My only wish is that someone who has authority would step in and change the system. Net: Or at least pass the buck on to some lackey. Stay tuned next time when I tell the world how I … er … someone could break in to all those Win95/98 machines on the University’s Network. Net: Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when all you need
SPEAK THE WORD, BROTHER
ed was a crowbar to break into something? Sheesh. Nowadays, you’ve gotta be … “smart.”
Net: We must admit to some concerns, unsubstantiated though they might be, about young Shank‘s Network integrity. The below entry reeks of Internet drivel, of the Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: variety. Might our suspicions be confirmed?
From Shank: If the University wrote the Bible …
The Last Supper would have consisted of beer and pizza; Net: This is my body, this is my blood, party on dude.
God would have rested for six days and pulled an all-nighter on the seventh day to create the world;
Net: Coffman would be rebuilt as the Tower of Babel, in which all language classes would be taught.
The Ten Commandments would have been only five, double-spaced and in a large font;
Net: Boston would have offed Dienhart long ago. He is not his brother’s keeper.
Noah and his wife would be the only two to survive the flood (the ALF had broken into the Ark and released all the animals two days before the rains came);
Net: Yudof would wear a beard and long, flow
MINI-WE
ing robes, and speak in an absurdly deep voice.
A new edition of the Bible would be published every other year to prevent reselling.
To Vondoogenheimer from Speedracer: I agree with you that people who have minivans are horrible drivers. However, I have never seen a minivan drive too slow Net: Isn’t that like saying you’ve never seen an old fogy in a walker move too fast? — usually they are flying along at 90 mph, thinking that they are in a Corvette or something and cutting off everyone on the freeway. Net: Hell hath no fury like a soccer mom late for practice. The people slowing you down in the fast lane are always owners of large trucks, like Dodge Rams. Net: This message brought to you by the fine folks at Dodge. Dodge Trucks: When You Want To Be Big And Slow. Minivan drivers think that they are in some sort of other world where everyone thinks that since they must have children in the car, no one would dream of hitting them. Net: Collectively, whenever we see “My Daughter Was The Student Of The Week At Chaska Elementary” on a friggin’ bumper sticker, we wanna ram that grocery getter into the railing! They get a thrill out of maxing out their cars going 90 mph, believing that they are speedsters or something. FIXER-DOWNER
They do not think that they have “one sweet ride”; rather, they are ashamed to be driving such an uncool car and feel like they have to make up for it by being psychos. Net: And now, ladies, you understand penis envy.
From Lisa Lisa: I don’t see why we’re renovating Coffman, cause we need some frickin’ renovation in Pioneer Hall. Net: We believe renovation of the frick in PH is on the docket. Have faith. We have mice runnin’ all over our heads, and we can barely get our pants up in the bathroom stalls. Net: In some circles, that would be considered paradise. When I moved in, there were piles of dust sitting in the corners and floatin’ around everywhere. It was camouflaged with the floor. There’s a 20-year-old mousetrap sitting outside my door Net: That’s not a nice way to talk about your friends. and my neighbors constantly jump around screaming ’cause they saw a mouse. Our shower drips constantly, and people don’t even flush the crap they throw down the toilet. Net: The method of delivery of crap to the toilet is what has us shaking our head. I heard this place was used as an insane asylum Net: We heard it still is, and I believe it. And how come we don’t have study lounges and TV lounges on each floor or an elevator so we don’t have to walk up stairs that smell like feet? Net: How do you know the feet don’t smell like stairs? Well, that’s all I have to say for now. Thanks for listening Net: What gave you that impression? and have a nice day.
