Researchers conclude

Mark Baumgarten

After months of meticulous investigation, University researchers have concluded that Rodney “The Rod” Boschwitz does, in fact, kick ass.
The results have come after serious speculation over the validity of the researchers’ work.
“No one believed we could scientifically determine that someone kicks ass,” said University researcher Jack Kass. “But we proved them wrong; I don’t think there is any doubt in anyone’s mind that ‘The Rod’ kicks ass.”
The researchers cited a series of tests conducted May 29 as the unequivocal evidence that “The Rod” is the coolest man ever to wear tight pants.
“We started shotgunning beers after watching a Rockumentary on Motley CrÅe,” said University researcher Bob Bengforpei said. “John and I were wasted after about seven, but ‘The Rod’ just kept going. You can see it on the tapes; he threw down at least 10 more after we passed out.”
While the researchers were giddy because of their finding, “The Rod” appeared to be in a more subdued state of confidence.
“I kind of knew it all along,” “The Rod” said. “I guess it’s one of those things you just know is inside you, like a bad (venereal disease).”
Researchers are not quite sure to what to attribute “The Rod’s” level of ass-kicking. “The Rod” believes it has something to do with experiences in high school.
While attending a Ted Nugent concert four years ago at the Monroe County Fair, “The Rod” claims he was inspired by Nugent’s wicked guitar licks and adamant degradation of the female form.
“He was up there, and he was just wailin’ on his axe and screeching ‘Cat Scratch Fever’,” the Rod said. “And then, right before he shot the styrofoam deer with his bow and arrow, all the ladies started showin’ him their nuggets; that kicked ass.”
“The Rod” also attributes his kickassedness to “gettin’ tight with the boys.” But no one, including “The Rod,” seems to know what that means.
“I think he’s talking about smoking dope with his friends,” Kass said. “Who cares what it means; look at him. Man, he kicks ass.”
Some have voiced outrage at the researchers’ findings, claiming that all they were doing was getting drunk and watching porn the whole time.
Charlotte Suvluv, a professor at the University, is one of the people who find fault in the research practices of Kass and Bengforpei.
“They’re all idiots,” Suvluv said. “Look at them; I think they’re drunk right now.”
Some of the University’s student body believe the researchers might have received fraudulent information when testing “The Rod.”
“That kid sucks,” declared Tom Drew, a College of Liberal Arts sophomore. “He pissed on my door last weekend, and he smells like rancid meat.”
Rancid meat or not, the University researchers are confident their findings will pave the way for a new discipline.
“‘The Rod’ is a measuring stick for the whole discipline,” Kass said. “This guy is going to have a lot of kids looking up to him from now on.”