Net: Blargh.
UNSAFEATANY SPEED
From SkinnyGuy: Yar, net. Here I sit very confused — what’s up with all these crazy people who like Ralph Nader? Net: It’s his electric charisma and steaming sexuality I don’t have any strong political affiliation but it seems like every smelly, broke college student is jumping on the Nader bandwagon for the sole reason that he’s “alternative” and an underdog. Net: Nobody be jumpin’ on our bandwagon, and we’re even more an underdog than him! I’ve yet to hear any sort of convincing statements come out of his mouth and he’s accomplished little politically. Do we really need another crazy guy a-la Jesse in power? No thanks. Methinks this is more of the “I’m a crazy idealist student who thinks that my NUTTING protests actually will make a difference in the real world syndrome.” Net: Haven’t you noticed? The IMF has stopped lending money to countries in need, Highway 55 was not built, and animal and genetic testing has completely stopped! Protesting rules! Get a job, get a life and find better things to talk about than some guy who has no chance of impacting a national election. On a completely unrelated subject, hockey players are HOT. Net: Female hockey players included. We love it when they high stick us! It ain’t just the lovely ladies who like ’em. Us gay boys in netland do too. Thanks for being such nice eye candy. Peace, love and ice cream, bye!
THECRYSTALSHIP
From El Davo: I would have written this earlier, but you know how school goes … Net: Actually we don’t, could you please elaborate? Ok, I’m a student at the U and I happen to be very avid about music. In fact, I enjoy a lot of music and especially the types that generated from the 60s and 70s. Now, I couldn’t help but notice that one of Network’s articles started with an exact quote from “The Soft Parade.” If anyone reading this does not know what “The Soft Parade” is, may they be verbally flogged and have their kneecaps shot. “The Soft Parade” is one of, if not the, greatest album made by one of the greatest bands ever, THE DOORS. Net: What are you talking about? That quote was from the Monkee’s song “Tra-la-la, happiness and rainbows blow my mind” Yes, that’s right, the band that inspired your parents to smoke ‘weed’ is also a favorite of the Net’s. I point this out because of my zeal for The Doors. Hail Jim Morrison, Robby Krieger, John Densmore, and Ray Manzarek. So, if any of you are looking for a great band and something to listen to while inhaling stronger stuff than your parents did Net: God bless genetic engineering, buy “The Soft Parade.” And while your at it, buy L.A. Woman and the self titled album, because if you don’t have them, you are missing some of the greatest works in music.
From PAKMAN: Yet again, I seek out the presumably omnipotent Network to lament about contemporary society. Smoking is one of my last true pleasures, ever since I gave up all my other vices Net: Like whoring? upon becoming a graduate engineering student. The other day, as I am standing outside the EE/CSCI building blissfully suckin’ on a cancer stick, pondering about what a bitch life as an I.T. student really is, and thoroughly relishing the nicotine as it pervades my system, when some punkass ‘ho goes, “Ya know, that stuff will killya” as she saunters by. Needless to say, as I was transported back to Earth from my heady buzz, I was aggravated! Seriously, aren’t smokers ostracized enough? Can’t you even have the decency to leave the poor NUTTER, shivering his NUT off, while tryin’ to get his fix, alone? I, for one, am sick of the disapproving looks of the ongoing pedestrian population. Also, I hate it when some obscure acquaintance comes up to me to shoot the shit while I’m brainstorming over a smoke. READ MY LIPS: I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS WHAT CLASSES YOU’RE TAKING THIS SEMESTER OR WHAT YOU DID THIS PAST WEEKEND. So I urge the few smokers on campus to unite and punch the next jerk that interrupts your one pleasurable segment of the day. Net: Violence is always the answer.
From NiciclebyNEothernaim (otherwise known as PTchaser): Wowsers! What was the max temperature today (today being Friday)? Not much past 40 degrees F, if that, even. As a student that is from a different state, one that does not receive reciprocity at that Net: Unlike that blasted Wisconsin leeching off us, the stereotypical Minnesotan exists no matter how much Minnesotans may argue it. Garrison Keillor tells it like it is whether the locals want to admit it or not. Today I was walking around campus in between naptimes, otherwise known as classes, when I saw a taller, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Minnesotan Net: She sounds hot! Err Á cold! decked out in a maroon and gold sweatshirt eating ICE CREAM. For crying out loud!!! It is 32 frickkin’ degrees out! Only a Minnesotan would be eating ice cream outside in weather like this dressed in a simple sweatshirt and jeans, happy as an eskimo with a snowball.
When I approached her and asked why she would be eating ice cream in this kind of weather, her reply was one that could only come from someone with anti-freeze in their blood. “Why not? It’s not so bad. And the ice cream doesn’t melt before you eat it either. It’s only my fingers that are cold.” As the campus connector Net: You ride the Campus Connector? HA HA HA HA HA ha Á eh pulled up I climbed on, thankful that it got here before the limbs on my poor hypothermic body started falling off from frostbite. All-knowing Network, what is it that is in this state that makes people so impervious to the cold? Net: Booze, booze and more booze For my rosy nose still knows that freezing is still freezing by any other name except in Minnesota, I guess. I am outta here, gotta go put on some long-johns.
REQUESTFORSUBMISSION
From Gordita: Hey Net! I am getting rather tired of the topics lately, so I am writing to start a new one. Where is the best place to have sex on the University of Minnesota campus? Net: Our vote: Your mom’s bed.
This truly is a legendary question, one that scholars have pondered for many, many years. Loyal Network addicts? First-timers? Hath any of you the answer to this query?
