Net: Because we still have a few tabs of Ritalin left in our collectible ceramic pillbox, the semi-sad saga of Inspector Cheeseburger continues to hold our attention in a warm embrace, what with the potential for warm fuzzies — or perhaps a shot of bile and hatred. Yet we must warn (or was it assure?) you, gentle readers, that our interest is waning.
Indeed, a weekend of below-normal temperatures has us thinking ahead to the myriad joys of autumn on campus. Pulling out the frilly chenille overalls. Skipping class to stay home and download porn. Frolicking with Brother Jed in the leaves on Northrop Mall.
But for now, the Cheese is still melting into the ground beef of our heart. Charge on we must.
BACK AT THE RANCH
From The Campus Informers: Well, Network, it’s been quite the week here at the call ranch, what with Inspector Cheeseburger‘s entry causing all sorts of finger-pointing and wolf-whistling between the staffers. We get a good number of calls for Wilson Library every day, Net: At this school? so it could’ve been just about any one of us. Ms. Lola has a lovely voice, but she’s been out of town for the past week. Net: Off drinking champagne that tastes just like Coca-Cola, no doubt. Ms. Wordsworth also has a nice voice, but she was so sure it wasn’t her that she instead began debating the Inspector‘s use of the word “met.” Net: Agreed, saying you’ve “met” someone you’ve never met is, well, goofy. But can’t we all just get along? Mr. Friday is sometimes mistaken for a woman (which was our main source of humor until this incident), but he doesn’t recall anyone sounding particularly lovestruck. Net: What really makes Mr. Friday an authority on lovestruckedness: His breathy, come-hither voice, or his prodigious gams? The list goes on and on, but what it comes down to is that we just can’t figure out whom he might have been talking to, at least not from what he told you. Yes, sometimes even we need more information. No one here is really looking for any sort of love connection (cue music), but we have to admit a curiosity about who it was. Net: I think we can all see who it was. Advice to Cheese: Call 5-5000 and set up a date so we can all get on with our meager, insipid lives.
Note from Ms. Bell: I have a regular-sized ass, but a horrible personality. Net: Baby, you’re our kinda woman.
Cough up the 10 bucks, Network.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY BORING
From The Pinocha Monster in Congress: I know you sometimes print poems that people send in to you. Net: It’s in our contract, right after the clause that says we need to be unnecessarily cranky. I suppose I could be melodramatic about my poem and say “Please print this … It’s my last dying wish as I have terminal cancer,” but alas, my situation is not so dire.
Rather, I merely want to creatively express myself and perhaps entertain others while doing so. Net: One outta two ain’t bad. Now keep in mind while reading this, I am a college student and I could collapse from a heart attack this very year because of pretraumatic stress in anticipation of finals week. Enjoy. Net: We enjoy the thought of a stress-induced heart attack as much as the next Net.
Every last person in this world seems dense and one-sided today
So many censorship issues for the Republicans and parades for the gay
Net: Iambic pentameter is overrated and silly
So feel free, poet-in-waiting, to scribble willy-nilly
It all makes me wonder what’s wrong I do say
But even throughout all the Christian hypocrisy
If they could they’d take every TV show off the air and have no democracy Net: You can have the democracy, just don’t take away our reruns of “Maude” and “Golden Girls.”
And then use their “magical powers” so that the blind can again see Net: Hey! Leave Benny Hinn outta this!
I go ’round the corner and see an overweight man
Who always eats all the Twinkies and bon bons he can
He almost fell over with a heart attack when for one meter he ran Net: Lay off. We can’t all be “athletes.”
Next I view a woman on a hysterical tirade
She preaches women’s liberation and instead of sex with men to masturbate Net: Tastes great, less (ful)filling?
I wonder: Is a lesbian life her fate?
Last on my walk I find a old man in a wheelchair
He looks so different but I try not to stare
For the world this is such a sad state of affairs Net: Thankfully, your poetry remains a beacon of light.
Why can’t we all just be tolerant and actually care?
TORTURE IS RELATIVE
From Obi: For the past week I have been recovering from the most cruel of tortures that seem to be slated for most all in my age group. Net: A romantic evening at the theatre with Mr. Friday? Yes I’m talking about wisdom teeth extraction. Net: Oh, that. Sure, at first the promise of future health and happiness is a wonderful sounding offer, but what they fail to mention is the horror and agony you will experience. Net: Personally, we’d rather have huge jowls. Bad “soft foods,” long nights of sleep that are constantly interrupted by pain when the medication wears off, Net: Try mixing in a fifth of Southern Comfort. Hydrocodeine, err, um, wait — actually that’s not too bad. Well you get the point. Even I, the great master of a force (not The Force), Obi, have succumbed to this horrible torture and was powerless against it. Net: Sorta like watching some of the fright-pig shows on the WB. “Sister Sister” will cause a blister blister on the remote thumb every time. Okay, it really wasn’t that bad, but still I didn’t like looking like a chipmunk for the past few days, especially a lopsided looking one. Well, it’s over now and all I can say is that I’m never gonna let them take my wisdom teeth out again! Net: Ye shall overcome! Oh yeah, I still need to tell you how I got my nickname. I’ll do it next letter, I promise. Thanks to all those that responded to my question, have a great day Net and Networkians!