SHARK-INFESTED WATERS, ST. PAUL (Associated Mess) — Gov. Jesse Ventura begged forgiveness this morning at a packed press conference where he told several news reporters that he “loved” them and that he was sorry he was not less masculine.
Appearing in the governor’s reception area at the Capitol, Ventura wiped a tear from his twinkling eye before delivering his speech, a sonnet he wrote entitled “A time to bleed, a time to weep.”
“I wish I was more in tune with my feminine side,” he said. “From now on, Fridays will be filled with daffodils and love.”
As the University marching band played ballads in the atrium, Ventura began twirling. His gray three-piece suit exploded off his body in a pyrotechnic show. Sparks engulfed his body, covered in a neon green leotard with sequins.
And how he twirled, gliding through the reception area, nimbly sidestepping the hordes of shocked camera crews.
“He just scared me, you know,” said Dan “Guffawhead” Maruska, a cameraman from somewhere. “When he came at me, I thought he was going to tackle me, but he tickled me instead — all sensuous-like.”
After several minutes, Ventura seemed to come to his senses, as the music trailed off and he was left standing in the center of the room, in his skin-tight suit. Some in the audience were still trying to humor the guy, but it was no use.
“I like the new you,” shouted an intoxicated free spirit. “You go, J-B!”
Growling softly, Ventura squatted down, sweeping up the remains of his shattered dignity and retreated to his office, followed by several grim-faced assistants.
“I don’t know how we so misjudged what the governor would do,” said his chief handler. “We knew he would dance, but he was out of control.”
Ventura later issued a statement saying eyewitness accounts were unreliable, adding that he did not say he loved anyone, but that he wished them the very best.
But according to University-area brain doctor Shaddy Atty, his poor performance was more likely due to a chemical imbalance.
“Mr. Ventura’s brain has lost its buffering agents, and his brain can not make critical judgement calls,” she said. “That’s why he danced.”
Whether the bald ballerina’s performance was caused by severe brain problems or a career ploy gone seriously wrong, there is no debate over the aesthetics of his routine.
“His performance was beautiful,” a lady sighed wistfully. “Absolutely beautiful.”