Net: Network is not…

Net: Network is not only the almost-funny, mostly idiotic section at the back of every Minnesota Daily (except the secret ones published on weekends and Boxing Day), it is also a reliable source of venting for the numerous friendless/socially isolated people on campus who would otherwise have no one to turn to talk about their problems. Is it not the job of mass media to give a voice to people who would otherwise be voiceless? Or is it a place to subjugate the readers to sardonic insight and endless deprecation? We at Network believe we must attain a balanced combination of the two, and this is the key to our ultimate success. Think about it — everywhere you look on campus, whenever and wherever someone is reading a Minnesota Daily, you can bet your SUV they’re reading Network. Even those clandestine University-goers, sitting in bathroom stalls, pretending to have dysentery, you know what they’re really doing in there. That’s right, Network! It’s difficult to find clients to buy ads on the most looked-at page of the newspaper because the ad prices are so high. Network never has any ads on its page. This is not a coincidence. With that said, let’s begin the magic.

A SIMPLE REQUEST

From Colostomy: I have an idea that is better than getting rid of the mundane Dr. Date. Net: We can think of better ideas too, but you don’t see us showing off. Get rid of Pete Wagner, that moronic editorial cartoonist who has a fetish for Nazis and sucking himself off. Just a thought. Net: Another satisfied reader.

EVERY WHICH WAY

From OlayGoGo:… And yet another weekend passes with lil’ ol’ me (purposely?) not getting laid, but sitting in a dark corner of the house listening to Fugazi (LOUD) and thinking about my favorite people (person). Net: A Net reader who likes someone other than the Eagles. This is a good sign, but it doesn’t help that you sit antisocially alone in a dark corner thinking of a secret person, who could be a dog or even a non-mammal for all we know. I just feel like imparting some dis-wisdom, you know, a bit o’ words to live by in the coming (already here) age of mandatory schizophrenia. Net: There are genetic engineers working hard to stop the age of mandatory schizophrenia. Hey, at least it’s getting somewhat interesting out there. Net: Or so you’ve heard, not having left your home in several months and all. With the cloning experiments coming full-circle, and the sci-fi movies taking complete and utter control of reality, just remember that something is smiling upon you (I can’t figure out exactly what). Net: It could be a higher power, like Cheech Marin or A.C. Green. And for what it’s worth, I love you (always have). Net: Our heart is now warm and toasty. In the name of spreading synchronicity, I bring you the number 30 (to get us through the next seven) and a big fat kiss on the forehead or wherever you damn well please. Net: Forehead is fine. Anywhere else makes us feel funny, sorta like the first day we had group showers in high school.

REC CENTER RETRIBUTION

From The Rec Center Enforcer: This is to Deskbitch hater. As a fellow Rec center regular I sympathize with the frustration of forgetting your “U Card” and having to go home like a dumbass, however I would like to point out there exists this miraculous thing called a “Summer Pass.” Net: We’re surprised the University didn’t give it some playful wording that uses the letter “U” as a singular pronoun, such as “Summer for U,” “Work Out for U” or “Work Out this Summer, U Fat Bastard.” This “Summer Pass” allows students to work out for dirt cheap (try pricing the YMCA or Bally’s sometime). Net: That’s like comparing apples and oranges. The YMCA has a song named after it. The Rec Center does not. This is not a coincidence. See everyone that’s in the Rec Center during the summer? Chances are they have one! Its no secret, brainiac. Net: Not anymore, thanks to Network! Although we are halfway through summer and buying one at this point would be a blatant waste of money… but regardless, Network is the place to go for breaking news!
Now that you’ve been educated (assuming you can retain this knowledge in the time it takes you to get to the Rec Center), Deskbitch hater, it’s time to set you straight … Don’t abuse the almighty Network by writing in whining that you can’t play racquetball and have to commute from the suburbs in your SUV to work out at the Rec for a half-hour for chrissakes. You little suburbanite priss! Net: Thanks for watching our back, but we’ve taken care of this one on our own. Let’s just say that Deskbitch hater better check his brakes on that SUV next time he drives to campus from burbstown.
I’m sorry, racquetball ain’t much of a sport, and a half-hour of working out ain’t going to do anything for ya. Net: But time is different in the suburbs. You play some racquetball, then you have some tea, then you have some guests over for patÇ and imported veal. A half-hour workout fits in nicely. For the love of us “poor folk” living around campus, please do us a favor and shove that little racket up your butt and prance Net: Or mince. over to St. Thomas or some other overpriced school! Net: But there you’re paying for quality education AND religious indoctrination. That don’t come cheap.
In response to your threatening the guy at the Rec by spilling an Orange Slurpy on his lap, I have two things for ya. 1) Assault with a beverage ain’t the most manly way to settle things, you little rich wuss Net: At least it’s sorta nonviolent. Although it is blatantly anti-pants, something Network does not stand for. and 2) You better pray I’m not behind you in line when you try your stunt, little man! The poor student-desker may not be able to lay the smack down, but I will! Net: This letter reeks of loyalty, and a tinge of maniacal fury, but loyalty nonetheless! Standing up for the little guy is always heartwarming, even in the disenchanted, cynical world that is Network.