Fracas puts the body in the pokey

by Jim Schortemeyer

Three members of the Minnesota wrestling team, a small rodent and Gov.-elect Jesse Ventura are in prison following fisticuffs during a recent taping of “Monday Night Nitro.”
Bail has been set at $10,000 for the amateur wrestlers and $15,000 for the rodent. Ventura was denied bail by Judge Mills Lane on the basis that he was “an imminent threat to society.”
Ventura was livid while talking about the incident and his name “The Body” through the crackly phone lines of Hennepin County jail.
“It was those goddamn kids,” Ventura said. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I don’t go by that moniker anymore. Call me governor!”
The incident started when the wrestlers were entering the Target Center as Ventura repelled in from his helicopter. The wrestlers — Anthony “A-Frame” Aderhold, Ross “Hot Damn” Knutson and Chelsea “The Brain” Pulk — went over to Ventura to ask about his position on student loans, when all hell reportedly broke loose.
“We were just wondering if we would be able to afford school without student loans,” Knutson said. “I accidentally slipped and slapped him upside the head. Jesse `The Mind’ didn’t take kindly.”
The ensuing melee involved numerous DDTs, camel-clutches and back-breakers. In keeping with professional wrestling tradition, no one was injured in the maneuvers.
Well, almost no one. Wrestling manager Jimmy “The Mouth of the South” Hart had a bullhorn forcibly rammed up his rectum during the scrum.
“I feel violated,” an amplified Mouth said during a gas attack. “There’s not anything that compares to this. Except for the first couple issues of The Minnesota Daily fall quarter. Wow, talk about a pile of crap.”
After authorities arrived, the participants in the dispute were hauled to jail, leaving Ventura in quite a predicament. Only three governors in Minnesota history have started a term from a prison cell.
“When I was in `Predator,’ I had a parasite crawl up my intestines and I didn’t urinate for three weeks,” Ventura said. “I’m not saying this will be any easier, I’m just saying I’m a Navy SEAL. I’ve scuba dived 200 feet down; I’ve jumped out of a plane 20 times.”
Ventura had no comment on his budget plans. Meanwhile, wrestling coach Dave Woard said he would pull some mighty big strings to get his athletes out of jail in time for finals.
“I’m going down to the blood bank right now,” Woard said. “I’m going to give all I have to give. If I could give those kids part of my first name, I would. But they’re not touching my Buddy Light.”
The rodent is believed to be a lemming.