Yudof donates plasma, has run-in with panda

by A.P. Diddy

University President Mark Yudof kicked off his new fund-raising initiative, “Bleeding ‘U’ Dry,” by donating plasma at Aventis Biosystems on Thursday.

Yudof said he wanted to show solidarity with students during the University’s financial crisis.

“It’s not quite the same, since they do it to pay tuition and I’m doing this so I can afford to repaint the carriage house,” Yudof said. “But hey, we all end up eating those little chocolate cookies.”

A senior administration source speaking on condition of anonymity said, “If this doesn’t show Yudof’s commitment to students, my name isn’t Bob Bruininks.”

A University student donating plasma said he was glad Yudof saw what students go through to get money.

“When I’m not using my fake IDs at the bar, I use them so I can donate plasma at least twice a day,” the student said. “I’m so dizzy I’ve forgotten which one has my real name.”

Yudof said the student exemplifies the type of dedicated scholar who will “have no trouble with the new 13-pint minimum.”

Yudof denied rumors he initially refused to donate plasma unless Aventis increased its usual payment by 14.6 percent.

He then checked the change slots on the lobby vending machines and pounded on the coin return lever before being hustled away by a large panda.

“I really don’t know where that panda came from,” Yudof Chief of Staff Tonya Moten Brown said in a phone interview. “The University is very sensitive to the ongoing panda controversy on campus.”

The panda drew sharp criticism from student demonstrators outside.

“We came down here to protest globalization and American consumerism,” said College of Liberal Arts freshman Sharon Sharealike as she passed out “Mean People Suck” bumper stickers. “But when we heard Yudof was here, we knew he was doing something we didn’t like. And that panda – like, please, I’m not cool with that.”

Cultural studies and comparative literature senior Michael Oxbig said students should “contextualize the panda-rational construct within the overarching (dis)course of post-institutionalistic panda-phobic hegemony.”

Asked to respond to the student’s criticism, Yudof said, “Jeez, I keep upping the ante, but those people just stick around. I mean, for the love of pancakes, it’s a panda. Lighten up; if the panda graduates in four years, what do you care?”

The panda declined comment and went out back for a smoke.

An administration source said Yudof planned to spend at least $4 of his plasma check at Arby’s to purchase “some more fat to cut.”

“He always does that,” the source said. “It’s really scary. He had a club sandwich right before he cut the golf teams, and when he gets mozzarella sticks, you better update your resume.”

A.P. Diddy welcomes comments, yo.