A Disclaimer
As the great American hero Bill Clinton said recently, “I want the American people to know, these allegations are false.” Just remember not to believe half of what you see and none of what you read (in this column).
Super Bowl XXXII was fixed. And the fat lady hasn’t sung yet, even though Green Bay Packer fans were belting out choruses of “cheese, money and sex” at a welcome home rally for their team. Allegations of game fixing and professional misconduct related to a lurid conspiracy behind last Sunday’s match with the Denver Broncos have yet to silence the Packer faithfuls.
Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson reportedly introduced evidence to U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno suggesting that Denver’s victory was the result of a set up by conspiring NFC and AFC cheerleaders.
Reno demanded warrants for the alleged conspirators, who are part of a complex web of loosely aligned dissidents, including executives, players and cheerleaders on both teams. “This has a militia quality,” said Reno after appointing special prosecutor Wavy Gravy to head an investigation into the allegations.
Packer coach Mike Holmgren issued a statement saying, “I don’t know if these reports are true. But if they are, I’m going to demand a rematch.” Holmgren quickly added “Same time next year, same place; this means war!”
Meanwhile, in private conversations with a disclosed source, known only as Dee P. Throat, Thompson claimed to have dirt on parties aligned with the NFL’s cheerleaders union, which was intent on dethroning the defending football champions. The secret pact was agreed to in exchange for an undisclosed but sizable amount of money and cheese.
Thompson denies any knowledge of a direct link between the game’s results and the Packer organization. He insists the evidence points to a ring of “God-hating, left-wing totalitarians, with extremist tendencies and hell bent on destroying the moral fortitude of America’s dairyland. Sorta like the Bronco cheerleaders.”
His allegations come in response to a report that Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre was allegedly found by witnesses, including Minneapolis’ own Wally The Beerman, in the Packer locker room during the fourth quarter. Mr. The Beerman described the scene to reporters. He said he saw Brett engaged in improper moral behavior with a hot little Broncos cheerleader. “But it wasn’t adultery.”
The Minnesota Daily was unable to contact Mr. The Beerman for further comment on the allegation. Prosecutors were left to wonder: what exactly was The Beerman doing in the Packers’ locker room anyway?
The New York Times issued a front page story Wednesday indicating that Mr. The Beerman has agreed to cooperate with special prosecutor Gravy in exchange for immunity.
In a move which shocked numerous Washington insiders, the justice department has placed three of the Green Bay Packers’ cheerleaders into a witness protection program, citing their possible insight into the plot to overthrow the very team to which they had sworn allegiance.
According to stories on the World Wide Web, Lotta Guernsey, head cheerleader for the Packers, is alleged to have made several phone calls to an unnamed Bronco cheerleader three days before the game. Transcripts of their calls obtained by notorious web reporter, Max Phaktor, seem to indicate a bizarre plot of betrayal.
In the conversation, originating from a Motel 6 in Wisconsin Dells, Guernsey is reported to have said, “We’ve got more cheese than any of you cowgirls would know what to do with. We know you want it. Go ahead, take a bite of the cheddar pie. All you have to do is take care of Brett for us.”
“But what’s in it for you,” the unnamed Broncette said.
“The head of the cheerleaders union promised to split her winnings with all of us. She’s put $5 million of a slush fund on the Broncos.”
Moments after the Pack was unable to convert a potential game winning fourth down, late in the fourth quarter, rumors flew amongst a bunch of Packer fans that during the fateful final drive, a mysterious “second quarterback,” dressed in a Packer uniform and wearing number four had indeed replaced Favre on the field.
At least two dozen of the reports indicate that the switching of Favre’s body double may have occurred as early as the beginning of the second half. None of the fans — who have subsequently been deposed — can lend credence to the theory that Favre, when dropping back for the final pass, acted as “the lone gunman.” Said Packer fan I.P. Nightly, “If there’s a smoking gun, it’s still in his pants.”
Favre denied allegations that he had anything to do with the plot. The three-time MVP issued strong statements denying the fourth quarter affair and has promised to cooperate with Reno’s appointed investigation.
Reno already announced that Guernsey, who wasn’t placed in witness protection, cannot expect a plea bargain. Many Washington insiders interpret this as the justice department’s dedication to getting tough on crime. They expect a trial or set of trials requesting the death penalty for violators of the department’s anti-conspiracy laws.
Since the story broke, a feeding frenzy of press coverage has led to a growing number of leads on the Packer’s mysterious fourth quarter failure. FBI officials are reviewing tapes, taken with a super-duper, infrared/x-ray camera, of a key play in the fourth quarter of last Sunday’s game raising the most serious allegations.
The tapes are alleged to provide evidence supporting a theory growing in popularity that Favre could not have acted as the lone quarterback during the series of plays in question. “We don’t know who this quarterback is, but he or she isn’t Brett Favre,” said FBI special agent Alfred E. Neuman, adding, “All we know is that this quarterback was a real girlie man.”
Packer defensive lineman Reggie White was barraged with questions in a press conference shortly before last night’s printing of the Daily. The stern icon for many a Packer faithful declined to address specific allegations and rumors about last Sunday’s game. However, White broadened the scope of the developing events, stating “what you saw was a concerted effort by the Colorado-loyalist, Gary Hart loving, lactose intolerant, beer and brat snubbing wackos to press their agenda of AFC domination on the NFL.”
When asked if he could produce any evidence suggesting such a conspiracy existed, White responded, “Well, they won, didn’t they?!”
Head attorney for the Green Bay Packers organization, Chuck E. Cheeze, refused to offer additional information on the developing story. Cheeze announced his intent to protect his clients, Favre and a growing list of unnamed possible litigants, saying, “This is not an improper relationship between no one in this game. None of them engaged in improper conduct with no one. None of them ever told no one to lie. Never. Ever. No way.”
Gregory Borchard’s column appears every Thursday. He can be reached with comments via e-mail at [email protected].
